INTRODUCTION

"To the adventurer - to all who stray from the beaten track - life is an extravaganza in which luck, and laughter, and love come in odd ways, unexpectedly, but they are nonetheless sweet for that." (Anon)

There are those of us who are seemingly marked as children to live extraordinary lives. Not always rich, famous, or helpful to mankind with our deeds; but, extraordinary nonetheless. It's as if some intangible force guides our choices and directions throughout life causing us to enter into circumstances which we are not always the better for (nor those poor unfortunates who become entwined in our lives). But, directions that leave us richer, wiser, and somehow better for having simply endured.

I knew as a small child that mine would not be an ordinary, mundane existence. Somehow, I must admit, I did think I might have been destined for greatness - but life is not over yet. I am still young. Life has not managed to beat me down to accepting my plight as being beyond control. I still manage to pull myself up and go on to strive for better circumstances.

My failures I consider but necessary setbacks - roads I know better than to travel down again. Not that I am fortunate or smart enough to learn from all my mistakes. Some I repeat over and over again as if trapped in some outer dimensional time warp. It is as if I know going into a situation what the outcome is to be, but I dash in full steam ahead as if it is the first time I have dared to tread on thin ice on an early spring day. Knowing full well I am going to fall through the ice - nearly drowning - flailing arms grasping to reach anything I can hold to in order not to go under for good. Because I know from experience if we pause long enough to survey our surroundings - to try to locate solid ground - the current will take us under to a watery death. Keep moving - that's the secret to existing. Now, the secret to living - well I have yet to fully figure that one out. I have my moments of contentment and happiness. They are interspersed with the dark, sometimes deafening demons within vying for my attention. To the point where I ask myself, why, if I wish to drown, do I torture myself with shallow water?

Some say I live a charmed life. Regardless of my circumstances, I somehow manage to come out without so much as a scratch. Of course, my answer to that is one word - perception. If we are cunning enough we can fool anyone into believing anything we want him or her to about us. Years of hiding insecurities, frailties, and poor self-image equipped me with this ability. Others see the side of me I feel they either want to see or I feel they can handle. It is rare to meet someone with whom I feel can take the whole package. Can accept the whole package and actually like it. After all the torment and self-loathing I have managed to heap upon myself - the deep, hollow feeling of inadequacy and fear of being found out that I am a total fraud - it brought me to this conclusion. I knew the only way out was up. That is when I realized I had to make some changes in my life.

I would start at the beginning if I only knew where the beginning started. I only know I kept peering over the edge - flirting with and tempting fate - and then one day, lo and behold, I fell right over. I landed with a hard, heavy thud on the solid, brown earth. Dark and desolate all around. Quiet and still. In the distance I saw a shadowy figure headed my way. I sensed the danger coming with it. I knew to force myself up and run away as fast as I possibly could. Only I couldn't. I lay there as if paralyzed - waiting for this figure to approach - to come close enough for me to reach out and touch. Like the moth to the flame. That was my first mistake in this journey. But it was not my worst.

(Chapter One coming in near future....)

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