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What The Eye Can't See
Amid the mist there are hidden souls
That hide from sunlight, heat and cold.
You cannot see them with the eye,
They are only with you, on the inside.
They are over mountains and in the ocean,
They are in the sky without a known motion.
But you can find them in your heart,
The only part of you they consider
Is their part.
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Comment by: Anya - 2008-03-02 21:44
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Thank you!
And I do agree, I need to add a syllable to "only with you, inside." But I couldn't think of anything that meant the same thing, but added only one syllable.
I thought of "only with you, on the inside." Actually that was my original idea, but it had too MANY syllables.
I do like "by your side" but it doesn't mean the same thing...
And I also agree that I need more length on "their part," maybe "to be their part?"
And thanks again. |
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Fabulous piece. Definitive Poetry is one of my favorite types of Poetry. A simple poem with a justifying piece that goes over your surreal definition of an emotive subject. This one, if I may guess, is the soul.
Now there're two things "I" would change, but wouldn't really press it is:
The first two lines, make them the last tow lines, or at least NOT the first four lines. Why? Because, let the reader guess what you're talking about, that is half the fun.
Next:
It's actually a two-fer.
A:
They are only with you, inside. It really rips the scheme off tempo, if you can find a way to add a syllable, it would really make the poem more effective. Maybe it's because I believe in Line/Line +1. Meaning. You have an 8-8. Progressively, you should shoot for 8-9, or to remain on a flatter note, 8-10.
So perhaps the second line being alone the tempo of:
"They are only with you, by your side." Making it: the two lines = 8/9. Maybe I am tempo-def. Say it to yourself, if you like it, try and make a 9 syllable line for it, or use the example I gave. If you think it doesn't matter - well, that's what makes you the artist.
Nextly:
B:
You have maken a juveneille mistake, the 'code of line fear'. As I call it. Meaning, I believe you last three lines were made the last three lines because you got scared. Scared of what? Length.
"The Only Part of you they consider their part." Would be what you said, as you inserted no comma nor period, making no reason BUT LENGTH, to end that line.
Am I right? Maybe, maybe not. Either way. Architecture of poetry matters very little, especially when the architecture is cohesive even with a long line.
Perhaps:
The only part of they consider [is] their part.
Hate repeating part in the same line?
Piece?
"he only piece of you they consider [is] their part."
How about that.
This is all just my jib though. Consider it at least. Well done, Miss Kelsick. Age 13 and already an outstanding writer. Don't stop, never be satisfied. |
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