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life
In a minute, in a moment, in a second
in a touch, in a grip, in caress
in anger, in passion, in love
life happens
without thought or reason or expectation
without excuse or lies or truth
without any way to know when
death happens
and in the moments in between
in time and experience and will
lacking all but instinct and spirit
we exist
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Kenny is into that "rhythm" thing like I am and he may be right. You might also consider changing the end to:
and in the moments in between
in time and experience and
lacking all but instinct and spirit
we exist
If you insist on it being this way, at least put a comma in if will remains.
These are very subtle matters, but in a piece that is so sparse as far as language is: the tiniest word can make an ocean of difference.
:-) |
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Okay, I read it, and stumbled, a non-exciting, upset stumble. Which I didn't understand why, because the short explanative tale seemed like it should have been a decent ride on the wave of your words.
So I read it again.
And I found the kink.
in a touch, in a grip, in a caress
in anger, in passion, in love
"In a caress" should be changed to "in caress" to match the hyper-repeating, triplets.
I don't know, say it to yourself, if you think it rides better, change it. If not, then you as the artist are correct over my own opinion.
I liked it otherwise, I liked it alot.
Hope to read more like it. |
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