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Looks
You turned, in your pain,
to me, and said “He
looks at other women!”
I told you “But so do I”,
meaning: “He’s OK,
a nice guy, like me”
You never spoke to me again,
and I am left, my friendship
limp in my hand, and
your judgement stapled
to my throat. I looked at you
once. You didn’t complain.
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| From you, P, I take that as a huge complement! Thank you. |
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Comment by: PBlakey - 2008-09-04 07:25
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| just beautiful - as I finished the last line I found my mouth open. Its the deep irony that gets me every time x |
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| Thanks Janet. Helpful and constructive. I take some of the points. (I diliberately made the first two lines awkward to give the feeling of hurt and confusion, and to give the first line a double meaning: she turned to me as a friend, and she turned away from me when I'd responded. I wanted to create a tension there, enticing the reader to read on. And I think deleting the "my" changes the meaning, though I agree it's bad to have so many "my"s together). |
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Hi John, this is good, but with some minor changes in line construction, I think it could be better.
In the first line, put the clause first: In your pain, you turned to me,
then drop the speech tag, (and said)
“He looks at other women!”
I (responded) “So do I,” (punctuation goes inside quotes)
meaning(,) “He’s okay, (spell out OK - okay)
a nice guy, like me(.)”
You never spoke to me again (comma at the end isn't necessary)
(Use line breaks like punctuation to help the reader get the flow)
and I am left,
(my) friendship limp in my hand (don't need the word 'my')
and your judgement
stapled to my throat.
I looked at you once.
You didn’t complain.
These are only suggestions, but I think it will make it read more smoothly. Try reading it aloud and you'll be able to feel where the line breaks should be. Good luck to you. Janet |
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Hi John,
Nice poem. I especially love "stapled/to my throat", which provides action, great imagery, and metaphor in a very short span.
Well done! |
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