 |
 |
 |
| |
What's In My Heart
Removed for editing.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: Anya - 2008-03-03 13:03
|
|
Thank you.
You see I was originally writing song lyrics, but I edited it a whole lot and took out a whole lot to try to turn it into a poem.
I see it didn't really work out so well.
But I'll take your advice, I'll take out "what I want to say" and add a colon.
I guess I should just keep it for editing, and re-upload it later.
But thanks for the advice! |
|
|
First off - I hate ellipses, why do you use them? There're three reasons to use ellipses.
1. In comics
2. In tag lines in moves
3. To exaggerate menstration with symbols.
Now in that list, is there poetry? Nay. The poet gods gave us the 'tac'. the tac is an extended dash. A very common thing I use, when word is on, and I use dashes alot in common writings.
If you like ellpises, then you are not thinking about emotion, you're thinking about emo. Unacceptable from a writer of your calibur.
Nextly. Great poem, I think if you kept this in your back pocket and editted it once a year, it could end up being a tear jerker. Either way, never let this one go.
"
That you'll say 'I don't love you.'
And that's why I won't say, what I want to say...
"
Take out what I want to say. Because it kills the rhythm and rhyme scheme, and it's pointless.
Watch, just keep:
That you'll say 'I don't love you.'
And that's why I won't say
and then add a colon.
Sounds and looks better and makes a whole lot more sense and avoids redundency.
Again, there're alot of problems that and non-sensicle to list because you are young and that does not only strain your wisdom in empathy, but also vocabulary, but needless to say, it is good.
But my main advice, keep this one in your back pocket, edit it as the years go on. Outstanding, Miss Kelsick. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
