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I Will Keep Your Love
I will find a way,
to make you last forever.
To be sure that you don't leave me.
Never, ever, ever.
I know I sound suspicious,
that you'll leave me, give me up.
And I guess that is a little true,
but understand this I'm in love.
And I don't take it lightly,
this giving up my heart,
to someone that I hardly know,
at their mercy to tear apart.
You tell me that you love me,
but how can I be sure,
that this small thing means enough to you...
I just don't feel secure.
I guess I should just trust you,
that would be the simple way.
But who says that you know yourself,
is it just something that you say?
Are you afraid it will break my heart,
to say you might not stay?
Well maybe this is true but,
it would hurt more the other way.
And I feel a doubt in you, I do,
a lowering of certainty.
That our love will stand the test of time,
will you still love me when we're fifty?
And when I ask you,'isn't this just wondrous?'
you nod but is that smile real?
I know you love me now,
but not if it's how you'll always feel.
I see that you don't know for sure,
but this I won't confront.
I am going to fix this for you,
I'll show you what you want.
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I had alot of problems with this poem. But I'll start with the good things about it. It is a great subject that starts off pretty strong. It had a good make up, being a 4 line per stanza. It also brought up really good points.
Now the bad.
Unlike your other poems I have read thus far, this one has a critical nature to it that becomes criticially incorrect. And what is that? You have 4 line stanzas that don't follow each other's scheme. And because of this, the expected rhythm is thrown completely off.
Next problem. Up/Love don't rhyme, at all. Therefore, defeats your (2/4) rhyme scheme.
Now, writing in a 4/1 scheme [4 lines in a stanza] doesn't mean every line should match a syllable scheme, but it is expected.
I was very happy to see that you used punctuation, now explore ... [Sorry, I am losing concentration, this female is screaming and completely annoying the hell out of me...]. Where was I - explore more ways to gain a heavy drifted rhythm for your writing by using dashes, semicolons, directive colons, etc.
Do you read Plath? Read Plath, she's amazing at the way she is able to direct her words. I think you would like her.
Okay, my biggest problem, was the order of things. You have great words, great feeling, and a juveneille sense of love and I think that is why the way this is written, becomes a bit of a flop.
"
I guess I should just trust you,
that would be the simple way.
But who says that you know yourself,
is it just something that you say?
"
I think any real poem/poet lover should look at this with a infernal angst. Why? Because this is a paradigm in love for females. A question that is menstrated just as much from their brains as their ovaries - no offense. And therefore, to only give such a subject a loose analsyst is an insult to love poems.
Suggest? I would say either make a poem just about that, or completely obliterate it from your poem, OR analyze it further in the stanzas.
OTHER THAN ALL THAT - if it made any sense, I don't know, the chick screaming next to me has really thrown me off - the poem was really really good. Again - never be satisfied. |
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