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Ephemeral
Andre Santiago
United States, New York, New York

Words: 1164
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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Fall of Tulia: Prologue Pt. I

Special thanks to Krademacher and Shanster.

Edited and still working on.
___

“Look what I have gotten for you,” The man had whispered.

The boy had been staring wide eyed in utter and complete curiosity of what it was. Having had reached out for what it could be with one hand as it had swung to and fro. The firelight had caught in the prison of the crystal in which hung suspended from the band. Its light reflected and graced the child's face.

The older man held it from where he crouched before him. The hearth burned and danced with warm flames, crackling and spreading across the gathered firewood upon this chill night. The flames chased away the shadows.

“Do you like it?” He asked of the boy, canting his head in question.

It was only when he had finally grasped the crystal within his small hand did he realize the man spoke. Small fingers hardly wrapping fully about it. Clear as ice it looked, could it be water? No, it was not cold nor did it melt from the warmth of his grasp or the firelight dancing within this chamber of his. It was a very peculiar thing.

It reminded him of the armillary sphere he had once seen upon the scribe's worktable when his mother had taken him for his lessons. The light reflecting and retracting within it had spun, reassembling the ancient celestial sphere of their people. It was beautiful to watch it dance and would have left anyone awe-struck.

It reminded the little boy of the armillary of legend and the stories of Yore and the Prince's Coterie. Such things made a look of wonder grow upon his young and upturned face. A blissful smile lingering that showed his teeth.

He had raised his eyes to the man who had met his gaze evenly. Quietly did they regard one another in the solace of his bed chamber.

So young was this boy who had only seen five summers now. Did the older man think to himself.

He was growing well now as he inclined his head and did naught more. He was a beautiful boy for having taken after his mother so well. He had all his limbs and was healthy. Eyes of warm turquoise catching the light in that way that lit the irises. It revealed the crystalline sea of a flower bed.

Then there was his hair of sable-honey which was only a hand breadth. The fire caught in it, making it gleam splendidly. the fall of his tresses brushed against his face just a slight. Enough to tickle and make him smile further at the feel.

He watched the man's mouth move.

“It is yours Sebastian, it was something my father had given to me long ago. It shall ward evil from your path and guard you for it burns like a beacon for the eyes of the gods. When you are in need and are frightened by those of the dark, hold it tight within your hand.” He murmured and demonstrated by taking the boy's hand and setting it around the stone. Sebastian watched as it was done before feeling the slip of the band about his neck.

The child simply sat upon the end of the bed and gazed down on it. Enchanted. He kept his feet swaying which hardly came near the floor. Warm turquoise met the eyes of the older man with the familiar face in adoration. It was a face that he had known when he was but a babe. The man's voice was warm and husky as he spoke.

Familiar.

His son could not help but reach out and touch his father's face, hoping to remember it if he touched it. To know that he was real and truly there with him. That his father was not but a figment of his imagination.

“Dada,” murmured Sebastian whilst the man smiled widely in return before reaching up to tousle the boy's honey-sable hand breadth of hair. Soon he had smoothed his brow with a warm kiss before being interrupted by the sound of the door being pushed open somewhat.

“We must go,” the voice was urgent and low, coming from behind the door that was now ajar.

His father raised his gaze and looked back to his son. He had attempted to mask the reluctance to leave. Sebastian knew but did not fight it. Atleast they held something in common for even he hid his childish disappointment well enough.

“Now off to bed with ye,” the man had murmured to his son, hands touching the boy's small feet before swinging them onto the bedding.He watched his son crawl rather reluctantly underneath the covers, allowing his head to fall to the bedding before gazing at his father. The man had begun to cover him with cloth and furs, tucking him in.

“I'll see you upon the morn,” he promised Sebastian, leaning down to smooth his brow once more with the brush of his lips. His whiskers and thick beard tickled and made the boy wrinkle his nose at the familiar feeling. “Sleep well my son.” He murmured before coming to his feet. Sebastian watched him walk off as the fires danced. It stretching that warrior's gait across the walls.

The elder had taken one final glance toward his son. Reluctantly riddled his eyes before shutting the door behind him. The suddenness of it sent the flames to guttering within the hearth.

“Dada...” Sebastian breathed out, tears threatening his eyes as he clung and curled underneath the covers. His fist tightening ever so upon the crystal that hung about his neck. He had wished that the sphere would free him as it had the Prince from those old tales spun by the bards at the hearth. A childish wish.

He could feel the warmth upon his flesh as the hearth stirred. Where elsewhere within the homestead he could catch the retreating footfalls of his father and his comrade. Could hear the faint shudder of the shutters and the silent sweet nothings uttered by his mother as she had watched her lover off.

The chamber seemed dimmer now as he shuffled underneath the covers and huddled deeper within a bed that was three sizes too big for him. The moon spilled forth through the cracks of the shutters to gracing the small boy with its light. Illuminating him.

His eyes glazed over with the firelight catching in them before having looked outward and toward the crack underneath the door. There he could see the dancing light just beyond. He could spot the shadows of his mother stepping about and readying to take to her own bed.

Reluctantly he shut his eyes, knowing he was safe.

"Why must they take you away from us?" The child silently asked of no one in particular. His hand tightened and the crystal bit into his hand.

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Comments  
krademacher Comment by: krademacher - 2008-03-05 20:07
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Andre, you are getting there, but the word "had" still dominates this piece. Imagine trying to convey this story with 750 words. You'll find a lot of fat getting trimmed as you pare this down to the words you need to convey your plot line and vivid description.

Here's an example, starting with this paragraph:

"The boy had been staring wide eyed in utter and complete curiosity of what it was. Having had reached out for what it could be with one hand as it had swung to and fro. The firelight had caught in the prison of the crystal in which hung suspended from the band. Its light reflected and graced the child's face."

It receives some slicing and dicing, ending up as:

"Firelight caught in a crystal which hung from his proffered hand. Reflected light graced the child's face. Wide eyed, the boy reached out as the crystal swung to and fro."

The "hads" are all gone, and the paragraph is easier to parse. If the crystal is indeed a prison, mentioning it at this point in the story amounts to out-of-character knowledge. The boy doesn't know the gem's nature. To him, it is a shiny gem. If it is not a prison, the use of the word only confuses your reader. I would drop it.

There are other adjustments here and there to make. Here are a couple:

Two consecutive paragraphs start with "It reminded... armillary"

"Soon he had smoothed his brow" [Reduce to "He smoothed his brow"]

Keep it coming Andre. It takes work, but I definitely feel you are up to it. Your description is quite imaginative.
Ephemeral Comment by: Ephemeral - 2008-03-03 13:32
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Thank you for your criticisms. I will be working on revising and reconstructing much of this part of the piece and the next before uploading it.
krademacher Comment by: krademacher - 2008-03-03 12:09
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I agree, this is a good beginning to a strong plot, but it is very wordy. Try to say more with less. For example, this:

“Look what I have gotten for you,” The man had whispered...

would come across more clearly as this:

“Look what I have,” the man whispered. [Note the period - start a new paragraph with "The Boy"

I had to go through a similar "weight reduction excercise" on most of my writing. Some of things that stuck to me most are:

look for was/were/be passive verbs and consider replacing them with something stronger.

you tend to use various forms of "had" a lot. think of ways to reconstruct your sentences where that word is eliminated.

vary your paragraph length. Large blocks of text appear monolithic and make it harder for a reader to keep their place as they read your story.

Fix run on and fragmented sentences. Example of fragment: "Which danced and stroked across the planes of the small bed chamber."

Shanster is right, you should keep this coming - it is very cool.
Ephemeral Comment by: Ephemeral - 2008-03-03 11:35
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Thank you. I'll take it into account and work on it.
shanster303 Comment by: shanster303 - 2008-03-03 11:31
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Interesting prologue, you definitely set up a suspenseful plot here. I think it’s a bit wordy though, such as the words ‘which’ and ‘whilst’ used a lot in the first paragraph. There are also a couple of run-on sentences. All in all, your writing is exceptional, so keep up the great work!
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