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Mosser's Used Books-Wee Challenge 28
The shadows merged and elongated. The bookstore sunk into the silent twilight when covers remain untouched and bindings unbent. Frank Mosser—the owner, manager, and only employee—sat on a wrinkled, tattered stool with his head in hands and his eyes glazed over and unfocused staring at the unmoving, uncreaking door. Graying and thinning, his hair was losing its former shine so many girls had swooned over.
A sigh emitted from somewhere. It could have been from Frank, but it also could have been from the tired books whose words had guided so many and whose covers now lay in bits.
The sepulcher’s front read Mosser’s Used Books, but Frank hadn’t read any of them. It was just a job. He was semi-retired now anyway. Breathing deeply, Frank closed his eyes and drifted.
Waking, he became aware of smoke and an intense heat. Eyebrows furrowed, heart palpitating, Frank ran through the store. In the fiction corner, he saw the large and macabre shadows of flames merging.
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Comment by: frees340 Online- 2008-03-08 09:07
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Nice. I like it.
A few crits:
The sepulcher’s front read Mosser’s Used Books, but Frank hadn’t read any of them.
Mayve make it sepulchering or sephulcheral.
stool with his head in hands and his eyes glazed over and unfocused staring at the unmoving, uncreaking door
Change the unmoving, uncreaking, to something else. It seems incorrect to me. Either that, or there is a better word for it.
Keep working on this. You'll get it.
And go pitt! |
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Good read here, and interesting language. Not sure if you quite used 'moribund' correctly, but it is a nice word so I can see why you wanted to include it. 'Macabre' would be an possible alternative and in keeping with the literary feel of the story.
But other than that, good stuff. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-07 04:12
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Hi Eric
I really like the atmosphere you've created here, and I loved the full circle on the shadows merging line.
I agree with some of the previous crits. If you don't mind, I'd like to make a couple of suggestions, especially regarding the first paragraph. Feel free to ignore any/all of the following:
'The bookstore sunk into the silent twilight when covers remain untouched and bindings unbent.' - sunk should, I think, be sank.
'sat on a wrinkled, tattered stool with his head in hands and his eyes glazed over and unfocused staring at the unmoving, uncreaking door.' - maybe 'sat on a wrinkled, tattered stool, his head resting on his hands, eyes glazed over and unfocused, staring etc.' Just cuts out some of the unnecessary words.
'Graying and thinning, his hair was losing its former shine so many girls had swooned over.' - I'd change its to the.
Okay, I'll leave it there. I did enjoy this - just think it needs a wee bit of tightening.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Lovely, Eric. Old books are an evocative subject. I like your descriptive lines. I do agree about the first sentence, I ran out of breath around ‘twilight’ where there seems to be a natural break. Anyway, I enjoyed this one. Thanks. |
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A good flash, Eric
My one crit is that the first sentence feels run-on to me. Looking at it, I see what you are trying to do. Cutting it cleanly without losing something will be difficult, but you should be able to do it. |
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