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Alien Poetry 11- Naga Uta
Tonight, we are done.
I’ll leave soon, and so will she.
Together, we have
Made a masterpiece, remade
Art, once elegant.
We painted, inked, filled a bleak
Canvas, a blank soul.
We found it in the desert-
Not lost, but dying.
In wild, impressionistic
Throes, we put color in life.
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I didn't see this before the edits, Vyasar, but it reads beautifully. I took it to be about sex, but I think I might be taking too superficial a view...
Anyway, great flow and lovely use of the art metaphor. |
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I thought this was very well written.
Good use of abstract ideas to represent the coming together of two lost but not dying people, serving its immediate purpose but eventually fissing out.
I think of anything in the way of improvements that have not already been stated.
well done
mynamelez |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-03-06 01:59
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Yeah - this is really lovely :)
I *still* think there's more to do - lol. We're all having a chip in!
Line 4, I think could well start with 'made because it's alliteration with masterpiece would be divine - also, I like the idea of saying made and remade as, for me, it adds emphasis. You may not agree and that's fine :)
We found it in the desert; not lost, but dying. I think that should be all one sentence rather than there being a full stop seperating the two. I would personally use a dash rather than a semi colon, but it all depends on whether you like ending lines with dashes. I do; some don't.
There should be a comma after mad in line 10. I think wild would work there, too, as Tim said.
All in all, this is such a vivid poem. I really enjoyed reading it :D |
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As Tim (boonrassi) says the word choices are important. You have a wonderful poem with a vivid feel to it, but there are a few repetitions still that (I feel) could be changed to enlarge upon the picture painted. 'lost', 'dying', and 'blank' are all repeats. I feel that maybe 'blank' works twice, but if you chose another descriptor (Tim's word) there then it would modify, clarify and signify.
'A lost, dying art' I think is a contradiction. If it is dying it is not yet lost, but if it is lost, then how come it's still there dying?
For example, 'painted, inked, filled' works really well, and far better than would 'painted, painted, painted' in this context. Use your words for maximum effect and they will pay dividends.
This is a wonderful poem and its story is excellent, but there is still more to be got from a tweak here and there.
Just a few thoughts, Vyasar, on what 'is' already very good.
Thank you for the read - Grae:) |
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| fixed. i think it works now. |
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