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Thula7
Jen Steffen
United States, MN, Minneapolis

Words: 177
Access: Public
Comments: 13

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The Night Danny Lost the Woman of his Dreams - Wee Challeng 28

Danny stared at the clock. He expected her at nine, tonight. Danny walked to the door and sat on the front steps, waiting.

Closing his eyes, he saw her white hair shimmering in the moonlight. Her crystal eyes glistened as she spoke. Frowning, he realized she hadn’t told him her name.

He had met her as he came out of the bar, The Bottom Line. When she called to him, her voice caressed his soul. In dulcet tones she told him of his life. After walking him home, she said goodbye.

“I’ll meet you here in a week,” she’d said smiling, “at nine.”

Opening his eyes, he turned to the right. A glistening shimmer caught his eye and he blinked. In a moment, she stood before him.

She kissed him hello.

“What was that behind you?” he whispered.

Smiling, she said, “Wings.”

He laughed, “As in faerie? I stopped believing faeries when I was five.”

Instantly, her face contorted in pain. Screaming, she disappeared, and he stood alone, the laughter dead in his chest.

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Comments  
karjon Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-09 19:03
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Yep - that's it, Jen.
Thula7 Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-03-09 19:01
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Thank you. Karen I took your suggestion. I agree, and had it one way, then another, trying to stay with the word count... I think it works this way too. Yes?
suibhne Comment by: suibhne - 2008-03-09 16:44
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Wow I really liked this. It's twisted in a way: the anticipation, the buildup -- will she come?!? -- and then he blows it by killing her a moment after she arrives. I give you many props for this one! :-) Great job!
karjon Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-09 12:20
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I do bleieve in fairies, I do, I do.

Very nice Jen.

Just one thing: Walking to the door, Danny sat on the front steps to wait. - walking is continuous present, sat is past - they don't work together. You have him sitting on the front step while walking - doesn't really make sense, eh?

Nice wee story - thanks for the read.

Cheers

Karen
Thula7 Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-03-06 15:05
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Ha ha, I LOVE contorted, it's one of my favorite words, XD

As for the rest of the advice, it's been well taken. Thanks.
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