Teach's Empty Cannon Wee Story 28
174 wds. _ _ for italics.
The shadows merged and shredded along First Officer Toms' boots. “But, Captain, _she's four times our size_; eight cannon aboard and forty strong on deck.”
Energy flared through Edward Teach. “Her safe will be fat. Hoist the corpses. Throw heads on her planks. Fire the mischief makers above her deck- empty the stores.”
Toms' eyes popped, “Aye, sir.”
Severed heads spun across the blue gap between ships. Pale rope stretched the skin of sun struck corpses fixed to masts. Two foot waves arched and tipped.
Explosions bloomed from twenty cannon.
The sun fell by inches, melted against the horizon.
And flames blazed from Blackbeard's forty cannon.
Ballistic iron loaded the air.
Silence.
“We're barren now, but they'll think our cannon shoot forever.” Blackbeard stood in warm, orange, Carribean light, telescope aimed at prey. “Kill me those two officers.”
Rifle cracks and gory plumes!
Shadows quivered on waves.
“Look ... they're surrendering.”
“Aye. Fetch their idiot Captain.”
Blackbeard stared at the man, “Will anyone spend gold for your life?"
"Well ... yes.”
"Then welcome aboard the _Revenge_.”
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Comment by: LadyMoon Online- 2008-03-31 06:15
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Mmmm. The blue gap. For some reason that part made my skin pimple.
Have you been watching The Pirates of the Caribbean?
I pictured Johnny Depp as Blackbeard. Can you blame me?
"Ballistic iron loaded the air." Another great line. The word, "loaded," makes it seem like its a flock of iron, in flight like birds, hailing on the other ship.
*raises hands* |
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Comment by: DKav Online- 2008-03-23 16:03
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| Great fun to read, thank you very much. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-03-22 05:44
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| Got here after reading your comment on War Skies, so it's an oddity we have a naval battle, heh heh. Damn good story and I like that you didn't have Blackbeard speaking perfect English. I can smell the gun powder, man! |
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I feel so out of my depth with all these cannon and ship terms, Tim. But I'll give it a shot (groan).
Great action - suitably gruesome for a story about Blackbeard. (I thought it was going to be a story about a teacher from the title...) Like Juan2, I feel you need to hyphenate 'sun struck', both for sense and for grammar.
What does 'Fire the mischief makers above her deck' mean? Is this another reference to the corpses?
Like Anna, I didn't get the 40 cannon, as there weren't 40 earlier - or is this some ship term I just don't get?
Oh, I am so slow. I've only just realised that Teach isn't working for Bluebeard, but is on the opposing boat, foolishly launching the attack. Duh!
I love the final exchange between Bluebeard and Teach(?) - great ending, Tim.
This is a great premise, Tim, full of suitably awful images - like the severed heads - but I think it would benefit from a bit of tightening up, to make it less confusing to read.
I don't think you need the italics in the speech, either - 'she's four times our size' is strong enough without.
Also, for people who are a bit quicker than me, it might be nice to introduce Blackbeard just a few sentences later, to delay the surprise.
'And flames blazed from Blackbeard's forty cannon' - you could just put 'from their opponents' forty [or twelve?] cannon' or something similar, and then introduce Blackbeard when you talk of him standing in the Caribbean light.
This may all just be waffle, because it's too late (as usual) - let me know if you do make any edits, though. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-09 12:38
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Hi Tim
HUGE story in such a small word count (yes, I'm sure it is 175 words - the vagaries of the ER word count are the stuff of legend).
Okay, picky stuff, feel free to ignore:
'Energy flared through Edward Teach, “Her safe will be fat.' Comma should be a full stop.
'The sun fell by inches, melted against the horizon...
And flames blazed from Blackbeard's forty cannon.'
Not sure why you opted for ellipses there, but if you stick with it, I wouldn't start the next single line para with 'And'.
'Look ... They're surrendering' - the ellipses are for heightened pause, yes? Much like a comma, so no capial letter for 'they're'. Same with 'Well ... yes.'
I enjoyed this vivid Wee Story - thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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