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Meeting at the Station
Going Home
The night train swayed over the points. Danny gazed at the ceiling from his bunk, unable to sleep, and listened to the clacking of the rails. Thirty-six hours in transit. Thirty-six hours awake. Two years of explosion, bugs and gunfire, housed with lads who snored. He learned to sleep in that. Why couldn't he sleep in silence?
The throb in his shoulder worsened. He got up, hoisted his duffle, and left the sleeping-compartment to stand by a door. Another station; Danny stared at the clock as it passed. Fifteen minutes more. Through the window he saw familiar, unfamiliar sights: green fields, brick steeples and pale, English villages. After the hell hole of sand and poverty, stench, hot blazed days under rags to protect his sweating, sweltered head. The cool, green landscape outside the window looked remote, surreal; a dream under the moonlight.
The train screeched and slowed. He saw Tanya waiting, anxious, then smiling, part of the dream. He smiled back, jumped from the train, and ran to embrace her, his duffle bag forgotten.
Comng Home
Tanya waited on the dingy platform. Cold prowled around and she hugged her thin body. She paced up and down walked to the edge to look along the line into dark nothingness. Her shadow landed on the brick building. Thrown by sodium yellow lamplight as she retreated to stand and stamp against the waiting-room wall.
Inside children sang, “Daddy is coming home, daddy is coming home”. Their mother’s weary eyes shone. A man with military bearing stood apart, to attention. He tapped his wrist watch every few minutes. They waited in warmth for their soldier. But she preferred outside. Five minutes more.
Two years lived in fear, afraid of the news, the ringing telephone. She smoothed her hair and stood in a pool of lamplight. Suddenly, a train whooshed into the station. Her heart raced so she could hardly breathe. Three soldiers jumped. Children ran, joy erupted. She smiled at Danny and tears ran down her face. He rushed to hold her. Their arms opened and on the wall the shadows merged and melded.
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Comment by: Leigh - 2008-06-02 05:28
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| Nice piece, very poignant and evocative. I like the way you tell it from both points of view. |
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I hate to blow your bubble, but the link still isn't right. Below is the corrected link to this page, not your profile. Cut and past it into the box and delete what you have there. This will help others to find your story for comments. Make sure you block every character. See below. Hugs, Janet
<a href="http://www.editred.com/Uploads/st_72313_Spanish_Dreams_Wee_Chall">Spanish Dreams</a> |
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Thanks so much for the comments, Tim and Janyce, and for the input. I will leave it as is for now except for couldn't.
I try to stay away from contraction in these challenges ‘cause they mess up the word count, but I agree it's better. Thanks again. |
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I thought clacking was better than clack-kind of makes me think of quack
"could'nt" needs to be "couldn't"-haha, Tim missed that!
familiar, unfamiliar sights: green fields, (I'd put familiar and unfamiliar sights and remove "pale". Word count should be the same)
smiling; part of (I think the semicolon should be a comma like the rest of the series)
Gee, I hope he didn't throw up all over her-if his stomach was lurching.
Very good descriptive and entertaining story. Will read part two later. |
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that was terrific.. it totally sucked me in.
The night train swayed over the points.
//love that.
unable to sleep, and listened to the clacking of the rails.
//consider 'clack'.
Why could he not sleep in silence?
//why couldnt he sleep in silence?
maybe keep it simple like that?
The cool, green landscape outside the window looked remote, surreal; a dream under the moonlight.
//ultra good.
Thirty-six hours awake.
//strooong, concrete voice created with short sentences, nice.
thanks,
T |
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