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Lighthouse
** i don't know how i feel about this one yet, so please give me your honest opinions!! thanks ;) **
I’ve lost my way,
Wandering into the unfathomable path.
No sense of direction, nowhere I belong.
I can’t do anything but,
Hope for someone to pick me up,
And say to me, “ You’re found.”
I suddenly see a lighthouse
In the middle of the storm.
Radiating so bright against the darkness,
Taking on a different form.
The shape of an angel,
Sent from the heaven above.
It captivates my heart,
And finally I feel assured.
Because right then I realized
That I’ll be safe.
And there’s hope,
Once more.
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Comment by: - 2008-03-07 02:40
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This poem externalises what should be internalised. Finding meaning and purpose does not come from without.
I have a small issue with the imagery. a lighthouse transforms into an angel, is there a way to say this less unambiguously?
the last stanza need a little more polish, i feel. but the emotions are honest enough to deserve their place on paper. also, pay attention to your punctuation usage. in poetry one has a lost more license to abuse the language. Jonson was mercilessly ripped off for rhyming laughter with slaughter i hope this is useful. |
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Comment by: crow024 - 2008-03-05 19:13
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Honest opinion: It is riddled with cliches and needs some tuning.
The lighthouse in the storm, the shape of an angel sent from above, captivates me heart, no sense of direction, nowhere I belong
You need to incorporate images, show don't tell. |
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