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King of Hearts
Sitting together
Side by side
He held her close to him
Two hearts beating
Hearing each other
Sounding as one in love
King of my heart
She gently said
You mean the world to me
Queen of my heart
He whispered back
I'll love you till the end
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You've caught a sweet sentiment with this poem. You wrap it up in Valentine's Day chocolates and pretty roses. It's lovely, and as Janyce says, would fit perfectly inside an Anniversary or Valentine's Day card.
I don't know if you could improve this poem without totally destroying what it is. If you set out to pen a loving salute to your King and to bring a smile to his face then I figure you've been successful. Yes, this is full of cliché but it's also full of the emotion you want to communicate and you do that very well.
Keep writing and sharing your verse, Boo. Practice will round out your own unique voice and also bring clarity to any original metaphores you may invent for your readers to enjoy. Thanks for giving us an opportunity to view and give constructive critique here on this poem. |
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| This is short and sweet. I prefer less detail instead of a lot more work. This makes me think of a greeting card poem-maybe for an anniversary of wedding. |
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Comment by: BooBear - 2008-03-11 07:26
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| OK, so your suggestions would be? I love when people comment on my writing. It helps me to get better, but please, if you are going to comment, make suggestions. Just saying work on it does no good. |
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| I think this one could be better with a little work |
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