Jewel-Clad Beauty - Revised
©2008, Janet K. Poludniak
At dawn, my world was aglow
with blinding brightness.
A unique, diamond-like glitter
blanketed nature's landscape.
If benevolent angels sprinkled them,
they couldn't have a more comely veneer.
An extraordinary sparkle resulted
as the sun touched every surface,
alluding to a wealthy dwelling place.
Trees on distant hills
appeared dusted with talc,
while those closer glistened
in bright, morning sunshine.
Every tree and wire resembled
a crystal playground from heaven.
Utility wires, adorned with jewels,
imitated awaiting jump ropes,
offering an electrifying place to play.
Tree limbs strained to reach skyward,
their fragile arms cloaked in diamonds.
Sunlight penetrated the covering;
the frozen playground dripped icy nectar
to water the thirsty soil beneath.
All too soon—their riches spent—
my wintry wonderland returned
to familiar, colorless, barren attire.
It reminded me of a delicate,
passionate love grown lukewarm;
where once, a thing of beauty,
it became unintentional.
The extraordinary—long past—
no longer the primped and pretty,
jewel-clad beauty of love.
Deliberate, mutual effort
can ignite love's flame anew--
discovering a meaningful passion,
not solely physical attraction,
but cherishing the whole being--
maturely rekindling first love.
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| Hi Still thinking. Thanks for coming back. Sorry it was under Reader for awhile. I needed to work out some of the kinks. As you can see from the comments below, help arrived to make that happen. Thank you for commenting. Janet |
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| this is it...this is why I am here for amaizing post... |
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| Thanks lanclass, I've taken most of your advice. You're a genius. When I read it aloud, it felt rough. Wasn't sure what I could do. Posting here found a good pair of eyes. Your critique is MUCH appreciated. Janet |
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Hi Janet, this is a lovely idea and expression.
A couple of typos:
with a blinding brightness(,.)
my wintery (wintry) wonderland returned to
I think you have unnecessary words and commas that confuse. Suggestions follow, JMO:
At dawn, my world was aglow (glowed)
with a blinding brightness,.
A unique, diamond-like glitter
blanketed nature's landscape.
If benevolent angels (had) sprinkled them,
they couldn't have (had) a more comely veneer. (blinding brightness,.)
An extraordinary sparkle from the sun,
touching (touched) every glittering surface,
gave the allusion of a wealthy dwelling place.
The trees on the distant hills appeared
(to have been) dusted with talc,
while those closer glistened
in the bright, morning sunshine.
Every tree and wire resembled
a crystal playground from heaven.
Utility wires, hung low beneath icy burdens,
resembled awaiting jump ropes,
offering (offered) an electrifying place to play.
Tree limbs strained to reach skyward,
(their) fragile arms glazed in clear crystal.
(As) the sun penetrated their covering,
the frozen playground dripped icy nectar
to water the thirsty soil beneath.
All too soon, their riches spent,
my wintery wonderland returned to
(its) common, colorless, barren attire.
It reminded me of a once (delicate,
but) passionate love--grown lukewarm.
Where once (it had been) a thing of beauty,
it had become (became) an unintentional state.
The extraordinary long past,
no longer the primped and pretty,
jewel-clad beauty of love.
With deliberate, mutual effort,
such love can be renewed,
even enriched from the original;
not solely (from) physical attraction,
but cherishing the whole being,
in maturity, rekindling (the) first love.
Like I said, a lovely piece, I enjoyed the read. |
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