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Danny Stared At the Clock
Danny stared at the clock, the boxes diminishing as the movers migrated in and out. His wife’s belongings were sold with the house. Her clothes and books were in a damp corner of the attic: a surprise for the new owner.
“Will that be all?”
Danny rotated slightly, considering the question and the boxes upstairs. His wife had died in Iraq. Maybe if they’d had kids, she would still be here. The boxes were a chance to keep her.
He would forget her. If they’d had children…
But no. Danny hadn’t wanted children. They’d fought about it before her departure; he remembered her last expression of sorrowful bitterness. She hadn’t wanted to leave that way, the angry words clinging like “Taps.” He wouldn’t apologize. He hadn’t wanted and wouldn’t have children.
Danny looked at the man. He observed the thin gold band on the man’s hand. His wallet undoubtedly held pictures of his children – the proud father.
“That’s all. Let’s go.”
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-11 13:35
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You've created a very cold, stubborn character here, Aleki - no obvious saving graces.
It's always a risk - leavinhg the reader nothing to associate with, to feel empathy for - but I think you get away with it here.
Nit-picking:
some tell that could be show e.g. you tell us the belongings are sold with the house AND tell us about the boxes in the attic. Better just to 'show' describe where they are, then we find out at the end why he's leaving them there.
Likewise: 'His wife died in Iraq' - could there be a picture, something that would show us, rather than straight tell? Let us see that house, the house his wife lived in, the house he refused to furnish with children.
Just some thoughts, to take or leave as you wish.
Thanks for the read - and thanks for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-03-09 19:18
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| This sounds like he's trying to convince himself he didn't want kids, now that it's too late. It feels like his shell is his defense, but hopefully he can allow someone to break through it so he can really mourn. I almost feel sorry for the guy. Thanks for the read. |
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| Sad, indeed. I can't imagine letting someone go off to war following an argument and then trying to deal with the loss. OUCH! You character seems to have a bit of envy in the final sentences. Also a sad place to live. A realistic story. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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Comment by: suibhne - 2008-03-07 11:36
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Hi! Thanks for the input! :-)
I don't think "sorrowful bitterness" is too over the top. This is a woman who wanted children, is being deployed, and knows there's a chance she won't come back. It was, perhaps, a regret on her side that she didn't have children and bitterness that her husband didn't share in her desire for kids.
I agree, leaving her things in a damp corner is really mean. I wanted to make this character into a stuck-up sort of fellow, who would rather forget something entirely good he had than live with the knowledge that his pride got in the way. He'll keep the pride and pretend nothing ever happened. |
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Hi Aleki,
Oh, how sad but a good expression of, I think, confused feelings and regret. It seems particularly mean to leave her things in a damp corner where they’ll rot, though.
‘last expression of sorrowful bitterness’ This sounds a bit forced or awkward, I think sorrowful bitterness is over the top but I do like the story.
A good read, thanks. |
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