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The Shadows Merged - 28th Wee Stories Challenge
The shadows merged and formed new, intriguingly sinister distortions. Looming and oppressive, the silhouettes slithered amongst each other until they became smudged and subjective.
They reminded him of an inkblot personality test.
Perhaps persons unknown were psychoanalyzing him, marking down his responses, cataloging his reactions in mighty tomes stored within the annals of dark and dusty libraries until the end of time. All these possibilities and more were available, and in his fantasies became reality.
Bright lights, tunnels, stars, quasars and black holes…the universe expanded and collapsed. The sun gently warmed his blood, chloroplasts started photosynthesis on a cellular level, tiny orchids bloomed in a pan-dimensional panorama. The speed of light at a snail's pace, the convex curves of space’s fabric. A cog in the wheel of life, all part of one perfect organism: a distiled purity of form.
His vision collapsed before he reached cognizance. With the last echoes of his perception he understood. His lifetime of faith had meant nothing.
The shadows merged then dissolved into oblivion.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-03-09 18:32
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Magic - loved it.
Picky stuff:
They reminded him of an inkblot personality test. - I kind of just wanted you to say 'a Rorschach ink blot' (forget the personality test thing) or 'a Rorschach test' - but that might just be me.
'...until the end of time?' - I'd be inclined to lose the question mark - he's musing rather than actually asking.
'The sun gently warming his blood' - I'd go with 'warmed'.
'tiny orchids blooming in a pan-dimensional panorama' - I'd go with 'bloomed'.
'The speed of light at a snails' pace' - ot's just the one snail, so 'snail's pace'.
But this is great - it's going to stay with me for quite a while - thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Cool images, Rupert, made me want to go out and look at the stars. A good story to think about after. Thanks |
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hiya Rupert,
The shadows merged and formed new, (more) intriguing distortions.
/delete..
Looming and oppressive, the silhouettes slithered (in) amongst each other until they (became) smudged and subjective.
//slithered 'in' is sorta redundant..
'slithers amongst each other' is perfect.
'became' is weak. you want a vivid verb for that.
They reminded him of an inkblot personality test.
//strong voice here. probably cuz its subject verb.
Perhaps persons unknown were psychoanalyzing him, marking down his responses, cataloging his reactions in mighty tomes (to be) stored in dark and dusty
//personal choice? maybe. those words arent needed though.
libraries until the end of time? All these possibilities and more were available, and in his fantasies became reality.
//lotta telling going on.
Bright lights, tunnels, stars, quasars and black holes…the universe expanded and collapsed.
//nice..
why?
its subject verb. its just called writing though.
(He felt) the sun gently warming his blood and his
//no need to 'tell' us that.
The sun warmed his blood, chloroplasts started photosynthesis on a cellular level.
//can you get behind that? does it seem stronger at all?
The speed of light at a snails' pace, the convex curves of space’s fabric.
//ultra cool..
A cog in the wheel of life, all part of one perfect organism: a distiled purity of form.
His vision collapsed before he reached its apex.
//the apex of his vision?
its a little confusing.
(And) with the last echoes of his perception he understood. His lifetime of faith (had) meant nothing.
//not needed.
(Then) the shadows merged and formed (finally) into oblivion.
//avoid 'time stamps' when possible. stuff just happens sequentially in the universe.
The shadows merged and formed oblivion.
//coooool.
you might throw a thesaurus at 'formed'.
no body has all the good words in their head.
thesaurus.com
good work, needs polishing.
thanks,
T |
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A few minor typos or areas that may warrant correction ('snails', and having silhouettes (plural) after the shadows had merged, etc.)
But the overall story worked well for me, Rupert. Some great imagery:
'cataloging his reactions in mighty tomes to be stored in dark and dusty libraries until the end of time?'
really worked for me.
Some fine technicalisms and a sense of wonder and awe, replaced by reality at the end.
That's what you get for staring at the sky and into space.
Thanks for the very enjoyable read - Grae:) |
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