writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
Juan2
John Lander
United States, California

Words: 176
Access: Public
Comments: 8

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  

One Last Check-Up

Danny stared at the clock. Quarter to noon. Almost free to go. Free. He turned the word over in his mind and his thin lips smiled.


The doctor released the blood pressure valve. “So far so good, Mr. Rolen.”


“Knew it would be," Danny said. "So, we done here or what?”


The doctor wrote in his chart. “Almost.” He flipped a page, adjusted his glasses, wiped sweat from his brow. “Looks like you’re due for a tetanus shot.”


“Not surprised," Danny said. "Been here seven years. Make it quick, though, will ya, Doc? Got places to go now, y'know.”


“Of course you do.”


The doctor inserted a needle into Danny’s arm. Danny looked to the clock again, smiling. Five minutes ‘til. He returned his gaze to doctor, and swooned. His vision bruised and blurred. “What’s…” he sputtered, and closed his eyes. The black fuzz at the back of his mind curdled; his breath stilled.


The doctor spoke into an intercom. “Condemned Prisoner 12583473, Rolen, Daniel, executed mercifully, unwitting, and smiling.”


Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up



[Back to top]
Comments  
abitosunshine Comment by: abitosunshine - 2008-03-13 19:50
Add to Readers
      
Well done John. I enJOYed the surprise twist at the end.
lancslass Comment by: lancslass - 2008-03-09 21:28
Add to Readers
      
Hmm, very clever. Left me wandering and with questions, always good. Well written and a great twist.
A good read.
Juan2 Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-03-09 20:10
Add to Readers
      
Thanks for readin', Karen. Tried to take out that speech tag, but it was a little confusing as to who 'Mr. Rolen' was, so I put it back. And that 2nd question mark looked weird back-to-back so I left it there, too. That line should be more of a statement, anyway... Thanks again - though you've got me nervous with those expectations...

happy writings!
karjon Comment by: karjon - 2008-03-09 19:03
Add to Readers
      
Cruel and unusual, eh? Excellent, as I would expect from you, John.

Tim and I are of one mind on speech tags - I see you've taken his advice. But I'd still lose the one after 'Knew it would be'. There's only Danny and the Doc in the story - Danny is the only one who could be speaking there.

Also, I'd add a question mark after 'y'know'.

'His vision bruised and blurred' - just had to single that out for special mention - loved it.

Cheers

Karen
ParchmentPoetry Comment by: ParchmentPoetry - 2008-03-08 17:54
Add to Readers
      
Great surprise ending. Nice write. Thanks for sharing. You're very clever. Janet
1 2 Next

Sponsored Ads


By Juan2

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S