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The Criminal
Danny stared at the clock with mounting tension. Sweat formed on his forehead and in vain he attempted to wipe it away. He was waiting outside the principals office on a wooden bench. He was caught cheating during the history exam. He hated it. He hated everyone who wrote the history exam. He did not remember the dates of the war. He happened to glance in the front and smart Peter was writing it and he was tempted to look at it. He could not be blamed for it. Danny was not a bad student. He was ok, not incorrigible like smart Peter who had the nerve to tell on him. Danny jerked up. The assistant beckoned to him. The grey haired principal sat in the big chair, grave. His dreadful history teacher was sitting by the side with Peter standing nearby, smirking. The crime was discussed. On the third week, an official obituary was posted in the school for the oldest serving principal. Danny continued to stare at the clock in his cell.
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"He was caught" kind of seems a bit of a weird way to say that he had been caught. Tense agreement? I dunno.
Smart Peter being described as incorrigible sounds weird too. Generally it's not the smart kids that are incorrigible and even if Peter is, the word is a little large for Danny's vocabulary.
Also "dreadful history teacher" sounds funky. Suggest replacing dreaful with something a little less clunky.
Other than that, good tight little short short.I think only two paragraphs would be neccessary: one for the beginning, and one for the end (when Danny is sitting int he cell.) |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-22 15:23
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I really like the beginning and ending link with the clock and the two different locations - ties the story together nicely.
The story itself - yeah, could do with some paragraphing to help delineate the times. At the moment it feels like mainly tell, little show - but I have a feeling the dense block of text contributed to that feeling.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Poor Danny is full of justifications. A disconcerting story but a good idea and a good read. Agree about the paragraphs :)
Thanks |
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| Left me a bit confused. Interesting story, but not sure what happened or when. Some breaks in the paragraphs might be helpful. Dialog-even Danny's thoughts would give it some direction. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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wicked piece, dripping in loathing.
"On the third week" confused me. Do you mean "three weeks later"
"He hated it. He hated everyone who wrote the history exam." I liked that.
the repetition of "stared at the clock" makes for strong beginning/ending. |
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