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Night Watch
The shadows merged and the picture blurred. Jim thwacked the monitor.
"Damn camera."
Haley looked up from her paperback.
"Which one?"
"Lot A."
"I'll get it."
Haley rolled her chair into Jim's and pranced out of the guardhouse. Jim forced himself to attend to a half-eaten hoagie, ignoring the sexy sprite who was bouncing out the door.
Jim was picking crumbs off his shirt and crushing them between his incisors when the monitor flickered. Haley grinned in grainy black-and-white. A man emerged from the shadows.
Jim yelled into his radio, "Haley, behind you!"
Her radio crackled behind him, still at her desk.
Jim watched the man closing on Haley while she mugged for the camera. Jim wrestled free of his chair, unholstered his revolver and rumbled toward lot A.
Haley heard the crunch of gravel. Her hand whipped to her hip as she spun. Sean stopped and held out a thatch of daisies. Haley jumped into his arms.
"You remembered!"
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-03-22 15:15
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I'm still slightly worried that Jim is going to shoot Sean in the back - but that's just the way my mind carried this story along.
Good dialogue, good pace - good story.
Cheers
Karen |
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Thank goodness! I was tensing up for a gory ending. Appreciate the relief.
Very good read. |
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Thanks all.
Boon: I've attenended to 2 out of 3 of your comments. I am keeping my "was picking . . . and crushing" because I want the feeling of a continuing action interupted. Also I chose the verb "whipped" over "jerked" out of pure contrariness; I like "jerked." |
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| GREAT! The building of suspense was perfect. The "climax" of someone she knew was relief. Nice writing. Janet |
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Comment by: Boonrassi Online- 2008-03-08 15:00
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Jim was picking crumbs off his shirt and crushing
//could save some words with 'picked' and 'crushed'.
Haley grinned in grainy black-and-white. A man emerged from the shadows.
//nothing is more sudden than just subject verbing the next action. the word 'suddenly' just slows stuff down.
avoid 'time stamps'.
Her hand (flew) to her hip as she spun
/love a diff verb there..
jerked, hopped
*everyone* writes 'flew'.
"Haley, behind you!" Jim yelled into his radio.
//those could be switched around maybe? maybe its just me.
i liked this story, the dialog up front is great, i see the setting very clearly, and the characters are believable.
thanks,
T |
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