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A Man of His Word (Wee Challenge 28)
Danny stared at the clock for a moment before he picked it up and hurled it against the wall. It promptly shattered and ended up as a heap of broken parts on the floor. That was certainly one way to shut off the alarm.
He looked across at the phone. Nothing. Frustrated with this too, this device also shared an encounter with the wall.
He sat on the edge of his bed and buried his head in his hands when the call finally arrived. He ran downstairs and picked it up in the kitchen.
“Yes, I’m here,” he said, panting.
“Good. Now you see that I’m a man of my word. I told you I would call at a certain time, and I did.”
The voice on the other end sounded absolutely devoid of feeling.
“Please, please…let me talk to her,” Danny said.
“Get me my money and then you’ll get your wife back. You don’t do that, and I will kill her. I’m a man of my word.”
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Comment by: brad19 - 2008-05-01 23:31
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| Like every other comment here...intriguing...seriously. It was entertaining from start to finish. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-22 15:10
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Ah - the frustration and fear, waiting for the kidnapper to call. Good build up of tension here, Ryon.
I'm not crazy about 'promptly' and 'certainly' - they don't really add anything, but it's your choice whether to keep them, obviously.
Just a wee bit of tihgtening here and there, cutting out the superfluous words that have crept in here and there, and you'll crank that tension up a notch or two.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Chilly indeed. Like it, it's clean, but I too did wonder how he could be asleep 'at a time like this'. Then realized you don't actually say he is.
a little quibble: 'picked it up' wouldn't that be 'picked up'?
Thanks for a good read. |
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Something about him sleeping bothers me (wonder if he's void of feeling too). Could he maybe kill the clock for all the time he's been worried to death about her instead?
"He sat on the edge of his bed and buried his head in his hands when the call finally arrived." This sounds like he sat on the bed after the call. How about something like - While sitting on the edge of the bed with head in hands, the call finally came.
All in all, I like it, it's believable. |
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Comment by: denaria - 2008-03-09 05:26
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| Nice story, gets the mood across well. I think "...with this too, this device also shared an encounter..." should have the second "this" replaced with "the". |
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