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The Gatekeepers
(This is part one of a bigger work that is still in progress. Just looking for feedback and ideas. If it is liked then I will post the next part.) -R
-1-
The gates stood before him, black bars of thick metal in place to keep beings of higher power from gaining entrance to the great hall. Modred peered between the bars at the small wooden shack set just off and to the left of the majestic gates. He could see the flame that burned in the small building and knew that the keeper was in.
“Hello the gatehouse.” He said in a soft voice and clapped his hands together once. There was no response from within but the hint of movement, the shadow cast against the window pane, indicated he had been heard. He adjusted the black leather duster and waited patiently for the keeper to come forth.
The light dimmed then died, the shadow shape within the shack vanished with the light. Keepers were a cautious lot and Michael had dealt with them often in the past, whenever his duties brought him to the great hall. He understood the precautions taken by Keepers. Their were many enemies in the Unseen, some clever enough to mimic a Gatekeeper.
The first waves of magick washed over him. Modred didn’t fight, didn’t struggle to prevent it. A keeper in his sanctum was a powerful being. One that could crush him with the magicks stored within that small gray building. He had heard stories of past attacks on the Great Gate in which a single keeper had obliterated a dragon fleet before the alarm was ever raised. That was why Michael didn’t resist. He stood his ground and let the prickling sensation wash over him.
It stopped as quickly as it had begun and the door to the keeper’s cabin opened with a soft displacement of air.
“Greetings Michael Modred, Knight of Hecate.” The soft voice came from within the darkened doorway.
“Greetings keeper.” Michael replied. He stared into the black square of the keeper’s hut but saw nothing save for the blackness.
“What business have you within the Great Hall?” The voice asked.
“I am sent for by the council.” Modred replied.
This particular keeper was beginning to annoy him. While it was true that a keeper was no more powerful then any other Gatekeeper when he was outside of his sanctum most of them would still step out and be seen just to be polite. Only the most untrustworthy and paranoid of keepers refused to leave the confines of their home for any reason. This was obviously one of those.
“Very well.” The keeper replied and then paused. “You may pass.” The large black gates, twenty feet in height and fifty across opened with a soft click, just enough to grant the Gatekeeper access. Michael paused before stepping in and admired the craftsmanship of the Great Hall.
It had been hollowed magickally from the center of a mountain. The reason had been simple, to protect the High Council and the Queen Goddess from anything that wished to do them harm. It was the base of operations for Gatekeepers, allowed them to do their duties. Protecting the Seen World from the denizens of the Unseen, the magickal and sometimes nefarious creatures of the outer realms. The ceiling of the Great Hall had been reinforced by years of magickal wards and bindings that continued to this day. Over the centuries the Gatekeepers charged with this duty had turned it into an artform so the entire roof of the Great Hall was covered in glyphs and images that swirled and moved before Michael’s eyes.
“Come in or go away.” The keeper hissed from within the cabin. “It matters neither to me but I am closing the gates.”
Michael grunted his irritation at the darkness and crossed the threshold into the Great hall proper. It had been many years since last he had been summoned and this one had come with a sense of urgency. Something was happening, something that was being hidden from them and hidden well.
The path was carved into the stone floor and glowed soft green. It wasn’t for effect. To walk off of the path was suicide. It was warded to prevent anyone that made it past the keeper from rushing the hall itself. It bottlenecked any attack and made the hall easier to defend. As far back as Michael could remember no one had made it past the gates let alone beyond the path to the great doors.
He walked along the path, his mind spinning with thoughts of what could be so important to the Council to summon him back from his post on Earth. He had always been faithful and true to the Goddess and the Gatekeepers. He considered them family and had put his life on the line more times then he could count for them and for the cause. Never before had he been summoned with such haste. He had been forced to literally stop what he had been doing and come to the Great Hall. Now that he was here the oddness of the keeper and the emptiness of the path and Hall proper disturbed him more then a little.
While the Great Hall wasn’t ever considered thriving with activity this was the first time that Modred had come to the hall and not passed at least one or two other Gatekeepers on their way to carry out whatever duty that had been placed before them. The path was utterly empty, the doors securely sealed. A part of him wondered if he would reach the mighty oak doors only to discover that they were sealed and no visitors permitted within.
They stood before him at the end of the path. He felt unsure, dread filled his bones and the hackles rose at the back of his neck. He gripped his staff tightly in his right hand and muttered a spell under his breath. He couldn’t explain the sudden worry nor did he know where it came from but trust in his instincts had saved his life more then once.
Slowly the doors swung outward, the soft flames of torchlight spilled out onto the path. “Greetings Master Modred.” The voice was soft and feminine. Modred released the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding and loosened his grip on the oak staff.
“Greetings Lady Nimue.” He replied to the woman that stood in the entryway. She was dressed conservatively in a soft cotton dress and a simple gray cloak but Michael wasn’t fooled by her simple dress nor the soft smile on her beautiful face. She was as deadly as she was beautiful and had held her position as mistress of the Great Hall for many centuries. He bowed to her in a courtly manner and returned her smile.
“The Council awaits you in the Chamber of Souls.” She said with a nod in return. “Follow me please.” She turned without another word and moved deeper into the Great Hall. Modred had no choice but to follow her.
“Pardon me Lady.” He asked as they walked through the enormous main hall. “Do you know what matter that has brought me here with such urgency?”
“I am but the Matron of the Hall.” She replied with a soft smile that he saw through the corner of his eye. “I know not the inner workings of the council or why they seek you my Lord.”
“Very well.” He muttered in reply.
She knew, of that he had no doubt. There was very little that escaped Nimue’s eagle eyes and amazing hearing. She was the true heart and soul of the Council, even though she had never spent a day of actual service among the most esteemed of the Gatekeepers. If she did not wish to divulge what was occurring then she would not, no matter what tact he took.
They walked in silence the rest of the way. Turning left and right and left again until Modred was lost in the labyrinth of tunnels. This was intentional and something that all visitors went through. One more safeguard to protect the council against would be assassins.
One last turn of a corner and they were there.
The Chamber stood lit, bright as day, a cavern of Marble and granite. The sight of it always took his breath away and today was no exception. He stared in awe at the carvings in the support pillars. They shifted and changed with every move the viewer made that unsettled some of the lesser Gatekeepers that visited the Chamber. Along the far wall sat the council. Their platforms raised ten feet into the air so whomever was summoned was forced to look up at the majesty of the ruling party. Modred felt mild disgust at the Council for choosing to lord themselves over their fellow Gatekeepers but he never voiced his opinion. He respected the Council for their might if not for their arrogance. He had always done what the council had asked of him because he believed it was for the greater good of the Seen and the Unseen world.
The Council consisted of five members. Three men and two women. Michael bowed to them with a flourish, his staff tucked under his arm so that it crossed behind him as he bowed. “Esteemed members of the Council I am here with haste, just as you summoned.”
“Michael Modred, Knight of Hecate, Master of the Order of Gatekeepers.” The Woman who sat in the center said in a formal tone. “On behalf of the Council we thank you for your speed in coming before us.” Her name was Bast and once she was considered a goddess. She was old, ancient even and had been worshiped on the banks of the Nile when civilization was young.
“You please us with your rapid arrival.” Said the man to her left. “I’m afraid it is not good tidings that we bring you on this day however. It is dark tidings that we offer to you.”
“Enough with the theatrics Ares.” The man to the right of Bast said with a smirk. “The man is here and curious enough as it is. Let’s not over dramatize the situation eh?”
“Your opinion is not wanted nor needed Heimdal.” Ares sneered in return.
“Enough bickering.” Bast snapped and slapped her hand down on the marble table in front of her. The two men fell silent and turned their attention back to Modred.
“Now that I have come with such haste.” Modred said in a monotone. “Perhaps you would care to share with me why I abandoned my duties to come?”
“Well said Master Modred.” The other woman said with a soft smile from her seat next to Ares.” She was younger then the other members of the council at least in appearance. That didn’t make her any less powerful then her counterparts and served her well in gaining the trust of the other Gatekeepers.
“Thank you Lady Circe.” Modred said with a nod.
“Enough.” Bast said and raised her right hand in a halting gesture. “This is indeed a matter of urgency.” She paused for a moment and Michael could tell she was collecting her thoughts. “The day is at hand Master Modred. The Boros have found a way int the Seen.
The room fell silent. Modred felt his mouth dry and his hands sweat at those words. “M’Lady?” He managed to say in a soft voice. “How?”
“A good question.” Heimdal said with a nod.
“Shut up fool.” Ares hissed. Bast raised her hand once more and both men fell silent.
“It seems a natural gate, one that we previously knew nothing about, was discovered by one of their scouts and our spies tell us there are already plans in the works for the crossover to begin.” Bast spoke softly, her voice barely a whisper but the words carried home into Modred with a bone chilling clarity.
“What is this gate?” Modred asked, his own voice barely a whisper.
“Not a what.” The fifth member of the Council spoke from the shrouds of his cloak. “A who.”
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It's cool to see another medieval fantasy writer on this site. You will quick find out that there are very few of us here. I'll try to offer what constructive criticism I can.
Please note that I am by no means perfect. Most of what I state here has been directed at me at one point or another over the last four months - mostly from people with considerably less love for fantasy writing than I have.
1. In general, avoid over-wordiness. For instance, your first sentence, can probably be pared down to half it's current size, and retain all of the cool descriptive elements.
Another example: "The light dimmed then died" would have a cleaner impact as "The light died"
2. try to do more show and less tell. Passages like this...
"Keepers were a cautious lot and Michael had dealt with them often in the past, whenever his duties brought him to the great hall. He understood the precautions taken by Keepers. Their were many enemies in the Unseen, some clever enough to mimic a Gatekeeper."
...and this...
"While it was true that a keeper was no more powerful then any other Gatekeeper when he was outside of his sanctum most of them would still step out and be seen just to be polite. Only the most untrustworthy and paranoid of keepers refused to leave the confines of their home for any reason. This was obviously one of those."
...would be much cooler written as action or dialog.
3. Where possible, use descriptive tidbits, rather than speech references like said, replied, asked, shouted, etc. Done correctly, you can get certain points across with fewer words. For example, this...
“I am sent for by the council.” Modred replied.
This particular keeper was beginning to annoy him.
...might work better as this...
Modred frowned, annoyed. "The council sent for me."
4. Seek and attempt to replace passive verb constructions like "had been" "was" "Were" and "be" with more action oriented verbs. The passive stuff really dulls what could be vivid description and dialog.
5. Eventually, you will attract the attention of some of this sites more brutally honest readers. Keep in mind that they have certain viewpoints that can come across as vitriolic - take them completely at face value, and don't read anything more into their suggestions than what they are - suggestions. Some are well worth the initial shock of a withering review. If Tim/Boonrassi crits your stuff, pay attention.
6. Try to look at your work with a critical eye, and see if you can't pick out the genre crutches. Phrases like "hollowed magickally from the center of a mountain" could be interpreted as being borrowed from previous works. Undermountain and the Mines of Moria come to mind. It's no biggie, I had to remove a lot of drow from my own work.
7. Sometimes, speech tags can be dropped entirely, if its obvious who is doing the talking. Example: “Very well.” He muttered in reply. [drop everything after "well."]
8. avoid chiches: "There was very little that escaped Nimue’s **eagle eyes** and amazing hearing." [the starred words are cliched]
This sentence, with the passive verbs and cliches dropped might look something like this:
"Little escaped Nimue’s notice."
another cliched construction: "the **sight** of it always **took his breath away**
9. try not to make your character name introductions obvious. The passage which begins at "Her name was Bast" and ends at "Thank you Lady Circe" has that feel. I understand this may be unavoidable, but still, it needs to be pointed out.
10. look for run-ons and fix them. Example: "discovered by one of their scouts and our spies" [drop the "and" and begin a new sentence with "Our"]
that said, I wish you luck. Keep up the good work.
Best regards,
Karl R. |
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