The Cradle of Athena Wee Story 28
174 wds. _ _ for italics.
Danny looked at the clock set in the GPS. She stood anchored, three hundred fifty feet up, on tiny flowers. Fused, elephantine branches rose above her team. The three thousand year old redwood titans of the Atlas Grove circled them.
“I want _all_ samples taken today. Sugar levels in Aether, Nox and Proteus, _and_ the lichen for the U of M.
Groans from four botanists. “C'mon, Danny.”
_Danika_, really. Mom went crazy Greek retro with her name. “Go. Everyone but Jake.”
The four of them clipped harnesses to taut lines. Tan bodies dissolved in a flashing patchwork of leaves.
Danny: “They're gone ... _finally_. Get naked.”
Jake's t-shirt stretched, popped off his head.
Glittering light splashed his hips, his trim torso; he moved through lace of light and shadow. His body shone like wood.
They lay naked in the sky, on violet flowers, anchored in the cradle of the tree called Athena.
Jake: “I'm starving ... scoot down.”
Danny laughed.
Tender orchids glistened.
“Oh god, open your legs more; that is fucking gorgeous.”
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hahaha
Sorry, I had to laugh. Did anyone else find humour in this peice?
I'm sitting in a cafe, surrounded by older men, possibly in their 60's. My newly flushed flace is giving me away. I wonder if they think I'm watching porn. |
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Comment by: Dakota - 2008-03-25 03:28
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You sure have a gaggle of critical aclaim - excellent that they are all so helpfully critical.
Another good read - a treat to dip into. Thank you.
It was confusing at times
but full of good things - worth some confusion.
Slim torso is a description you favor when describing men I've noticed.
The heat you render is real and different - but sure works.
His body shone like wood is inspired. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-03-22 14:51
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Is it just me, or did it get a bit hot in here?
Love the descriptions, Tim - and, yes - I could see it all.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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'Danika, really. Mom went crazy Greek retro with her name.' I'd put 'Her mom went crazy ...with the name', as otherwise it's like first-person narrative in the middle of 3rd-person, so a bit confusing.
What fun this one is, Tim. I like Jake shining like wood in the middle of this tree, and I love the ending.
While I admire your determination to 'show, not tell', I did get a bit confused: are the team on the ground, in which case why the taut lines? Or are they moving through the trees, just lower than Danny? Is there a way to be slightly more specific, without too much tell?
Again, not sure you need italics for 'They're gone..._finally_' - the ellipsis gives the emphasis anyway.
What a great scene you conjure here, Tim. Full of light and leaf and laughter. Oh, God. Think I'd better go to bed before I over-alliterate any more. Anyway, thoroughly enjoyable read. |
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yup, more than one way to join the mile high club. I thought playing along the Pacific Crest trail was creative, but this takes the prize. My next visit to California is going to be so distracting...
anyway, small crits:
"Groans from four botanists" [I think this could benefit from a well thought out verb]
"Water glistened on tender orchids" ["Water is so... plain. Dew, perhaps?] |
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