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Imagine a Hiding Place
Small sticky fingers
wipe at chocolate smiles,
the rough cut green grass
cushions tiny footsteps
through the dandelion wilds
to wondrous hidden places
no adult can reach.
A sanctuary of wood-chip
and weeds where the ladybirds
wear their spots for her
bright green eyes only.
The slightly setting sun
prompts the mother's call inside.
A kiss goodnight
disguises her silence
as she tucks the edges
of her daughter's linen sheets.
The closing door
brings with it darkness,
the creaking stairwell,
and the rough callous
hands of a father,
whispering his unholy
intrusions to the upturned
wasps on the windowsill.
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Comment by: alien - 2008-07-02 05:09
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I think the unholy works well, to be honest.
This is a very dramatic piece but subtle. Cleverly written indeed. Clear and strong imagery makes this work.
Well done. |
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| beautiful work. my heart my uplifted in the first half and I was a child all over again...then when i saw those calloused hands my heart sunk. handled the topic brilliantly. beautiful and haunting images throughout. |
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Comment by: phillmag Online- 2008-06-24 18:40
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| i like this but also stumbled, slightly. |
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Comment by: Beck Online- 2008-06-24 11:36
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| Thanks for reading. I like slightly setting sun I think it gives a more solid picture of an early evening than slowly (I wanted to be specific about the time of day and how far the sun had set). I also like unholy although I admit that one of the main reasons for me using this word is not apparent in the poem, I didn't want to include too much of that aspect of things as I felt it would distract the reader from the real point of the piece. |
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This poem is a really good example of show, don't tell work. The dead wasps still impart a sting. Unholy seems a bit out of place, maybe she should be saying prayers to add a contrast.
In S2 you add the adjective, slightly. I think either the sun is setting or it isn't, there's no slightly about it. If you must qualify how the sun sets, how about a better descriptor such as slowly ... to keep the alliterative feel and to increase that sense of dread for bedtime the girl must feel?
Thanks, very much, for sharing this poem. I've read it before but wasn't ready to comment at that time. I'm glad alien's 18 brought the piece back to my attention. Really good work. |
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