Over Exposure--Wee Challenge 29
Adele’s silver Benz circled the roundabout and turned south onto Ocean Drive. John waited ten minutes before he approached the house. Tapping their birthday into the keypad, he passed through the empty garage to the kitchen door. Once a sharp woman, Adele’s perpetual wastedness left her vulnerable.
She chased pills with vodka hourly, making her the single most unbridled and irrational paranoiac John had ever met. Despite the fact that he loathed her, he still intuited her every thought. He found the box of damning evidence she’d used to subdue him, and laughed when he saw her laptop at her writing desk.
John copied her hard drive onto disk then he deleted everything. He was surprised to see her half-full bottle of Ikon sitting on the sideboard; she usually kept it in the freezer with her valuables. He drank deeply from it and poured the rest onto the keyboard.
After sorting through her bills and frozen baubles, he probed drawers, cabinets and shelves for anything of interest. He came upon a photograph of them at sixteen, the colors washed out from over exposure. Arms around each other’s shoulders, their twin smiles shone like the sun-glazed waves behind them.
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Comment by: Vanessa - 2008-05-19 10:51
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| I liked this a lot. Your writing style is so that it made me want to read more. There's an element of intrigue to it as well. After reading it three times, I concluded that I would leave this as it is. I don't think it should be tighter, though cutting out just a few words would be okay. Either way, I enjoy your flash fiction. Keep on writing! |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-04-21 09:28
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| Great comments, Mike. Thank you. I'll look into those sound suggestions. |
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| Great. I'm picky. You can lose a few words and make it even tighter. Lose "single" in para 2, and "Despite the fact that" will be better as "Although". Lose "he" in front of "deleted". I'd tend to put a relative clause into the third para: ... Ikon, which she usually kept in the freezer with her valuables... But then, I go for winding sentences anyway. |
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It really does seem like part of a larger story, but what a lovely part it is.
Did you base Adele off of me? I told you, those pills are vitamins! And the vodka is...is...well, I guess you can't win 'em all. :)
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-04-09 07:37
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Damn, Apollo. Good call. I think I will swap out that phrase for one of yours.
Thanks, dude! |
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