writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
Nora
Nora Gruenberg
Online
United States, Illinois

Words: 202
Access: Public
Comments: 15

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Over Exposure--Wee Challenge 29

Adele’s silver Benz circled the roundabout and turned south onto Ocean Drive. John waited ten minutes before he approached the house. Tapping their birthday into the keypad, he passed through the empty garage to the kitchen door. Once a sharp woman, Adele’s perpetual wastedness left her vulnerable.

She chased pills with vodka hourly, making her the single most unbridled and irrational paranoiac John had ever met. Despite the fact that he loathed her, he still intuited her every thought. He found the box of damning evidence she’d used to subdue him, and laughed when he saw her laptop at her writing desk.

John copied her hard drive onto disk then he deleted everything. He was surprised to see her half-full bottle of Ikon sitting on the sideboard; she usually kept it in the freezer with her valuables. He drank deeply from it and poured the rest onto the keyboard.

After sorting through her bills and frozen baubles, he probed drawers, cabinets and shelves for anything of interest. He came upon a photograph of them at sixteen, the colors washed out from over exposure. Arms around each other’s shoulders, their twin smiles shone like the sun-glazed waves behind them.

Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
Vanessa Comment by: Vanessa - 2008-05-19 10:51
Add to Readers
      
I liked this a lot. Your writing style is so that it made me want to read more. There's an element of intrigue to it as well. After reading it three times, I concluded that I would leave this as it is. I don't think it should be tighter, though cutting out just a few words would be okay. Either way, I enjoy your flash fiction. Keep on writing!
Nora Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-04-21 09:28
Add to Readers
      
Great comments, Mike. Thank you. I'll look into those sound suggestions.
mikerotheatre Comment by: mikerotheatre - 2008-04-18 04:50
Add to Readers
      
Great. I'm picky. You can lose a few words and make it even tighter. Lose "single" in para 2, and "Despite the fact that" will be better as "Although". Lose "he" in front of "deleted". I'd tend to put a relative clause into the third para: ... Ikon, which she usually kept in the freezer with her valuables... But then, I go for winding sentences anyway.
LydiaRiley Comment by: LydiaRiley Online- 2008-04-09 14:26
Add to Readers
      
It really does seem like part of a larger story, but what a lovely part it is.

Did you base Adele off of me? I told you, those pills are vitamins! And the vodka is...is...well, I guess you can't win 'em all. :)

L
Nora Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-04-09 07:37
Add to Readers
      
Damn, Apollo. Good call. I think I will swap out that phrase for one of yours.

Thanks, dude!
1 2 3 Next

Sponsored Ads


Added to Library of:

By Nora

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S