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lancslass
Anna Langton
United States, Colorado, Denver

Words: 198
Access: Public
Comments: 8

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Diamonds, Wee Challenge 29

Charlotte strode in from school, straight to her parents' bedroom. Small, first-grader hands rummaged in her mother’s dresser. Found the little box. Indignant feet ran to the bathroom.

Her mother followed. “What are you doing, honey?”
Charlotte turned, glared defiantly. “It’s down the toilet.”
The water glinted. “Charlotte! Why did you do that?”
Reproachful tears sprang in Charlotte’s eyes. “How could you, mommy?”
“What, honey? Daddy gave me that ring. It’s very precious, and expensive.”

Twisting long brown pigtails she breathed disappointment, “A man died for your diamond, mommy! How could you?”
“Died?”
“Mrs. Foster told us: Men go down mines into the ground. They dig all day and get paid hardly anything. They find diamonds and bad men with guns take them. They make wars.” Accusation flared across her face. “They kill people. They’re bloody diamonds.”

“Oh, honey, mine is not a blood diamond.”
“It’s not?”
Her mother knelt, held Charlotte’s shoulders, “No, honey. I have a certificate.”
Relief flickered before a stubborn mouth set. “But how do you know for sure, mommy? How do you know?”
Still kneeling, her mother stared into the water, then at Charlotte, certainty crumbling.

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Comments  
lancslass Comment by: lancslass - 2008-03-20 06:41
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Thanks everyone, Rosie thanks especially for the puctuation help :)
Rosie Sandler Comment by: Rosie Sandler - 2008-03-20 05:29
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Oh my God! I swear I hadn't read yours when I wrote mine, Anna... But I suppose the diamond theme was bound to bring up this subject.

I like the 'indignant feet'.

This is really strong, Anna. I could see the little girl. The child's certainty is very well portrayed. And the mother's doubt is an excellent ending-point. No edits! (Well, only punctuation - see below.)

Apostrophe in the wrong place on 'parent's' in first sentence. And I'd hyphenate 'first-grader hands'.
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-03-19 18:31
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Read through fast and without stumbling. I liked the dialog. It flowed naturally and didn't feel forced.

Excellent work on a touchy subject.
L J Comment by: L J - 2008-03-19 08:44
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Anna, your ability to tell a story is excellent. I've read your narratives, and this dialogue piece is a gem. The dialogue moves the story forward and it creates the characters. You've worked a double whammy here, perhaps unwittingly, but you pulled it off. The question that is left hanging at the end is pertinent, even from a concerned first grader. Well done.
vlclasby Comment by: vlclasby - 2008-03-16 22:16
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I would have expected a much stronger reaction from the mother. Some indication of anger.

Apart from that, you set the scene quite well. The end was very nice, with the mother being not as sure as before.
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