As some may know, I serve as a security guard for a private college. Most of my 'routine' days consist of touring around the campus making sure we are 'safe', writing parking violations, locking and unlocking buildings, and generally seeing that the campus stays as risk free as possible. No small task when only one guard is schedualed per shift.

Yesterday afternooon I was beginning my second round of tours. The career day exhibits were closing down, it was getting close to quitting time for the administrative people. The weather was a balmy high 60's (that's nicely warm for all my centigrade reading folks), sunshine...gentle breeze. The surrounding local, non-college resident adolescent denizens had been out 'prowling' our campus neighborhood, so I was particularly vigilant to any unusual activity around the campus. As I was entering the circle I noticed a fella underneath a truck, with a seemingly agitated woman standing, mostly in the middle of the street. As part of my job entails being 'helpful' to those having mechanical car type problems (I have the number for a very good mechanic & tow sevice programed into the security phone), I swung my little cart over to see if I could be of any assistance. The woman standing in the road was an administrative employee and the fella under the truck was her husband, a local firefighter, who had been there for the career day fair. It seems that some students had just seen a rather 'large' snake crawl across the road and underneath her truck. Then it simply 'disappeared'. The snake hunt was on.

After searching underneath the truck, we popped the hood of the truck and began to survey the engine compartment. Sure enough...we found the snake curled up in a fairly inaccessable part of the engine well. I looked around to find a stick long enough, and sturdy enough, to poke it a bit. We were not sure if we had a poisonous species or not. Wouldn't you know it. The yard crew had done their jobs yesterday, following the rain & wind of the previous evening, and finding an appropriately sized and sturdy stick was a real challenge. But I was up to the task ! Found one. And after a bit of gentle prodding, we decided that 1-the snake was not poisonous (but was a rather large, angry, and bitey rat snake and 2-the snake was not ameniable to gentle persuasion to remove itself.

Several sticks & proddings later, the said reptile had hidden itself deeper into the well of the engine. As the firefighter dude and myself discussed the most expedicious methods of extricating the unwanted guest, a goodly crowd of administrative women and a few of the college students had now congregated nearby, most of them across the street from the vehicle (as the word 'snake' and the gender female render some natural proclivities for separatism). The gentleman I was assisting remembered that he had a set of heavy gloves in his car, which was parked behind his wife's truck. (Go figure...firefighter dude drives small car, wife drives mega-truck...) and after donning one of the gloves, with me poking blindly at the well area where the snake was holed up, he managed to grasp the poor creature by the posterior end and pull it up and out, but only about 6 inches. That's where the real fun began.

The snake was adamant about not being removed and wrapped itself around some of the more stable tubes and wires. So, after putting on the second glove, I grasped the tail end, and firefighter dude crawled back under the truck to see if he couldn't reach the head end from underneath. Now, anyone who has any familiarity w/ snakes knows that, as with any higher ordered creature, they have anatomical features which allow for elimination of liquid and solid wastes. Usually these anatomical areas are in the most dependant area of their physical bodies, i.e the tail end. I am holding the snake's rear portion, partly w/ a gloved hand but, as the creature if fairly slick, partly with my bare hand as well, ...you guessed it...the bare hand was grasped closest to this rear excretory orifice. I believe my verbal response was,..."Oh crap...snake shit !"

Realize, my friends that I am working at a Baptist college. Most of the administrative and teaching individuals have never been out in the 'real' world and have lived very sheltered lives. They have self ingrained rules and regulations concerning almost every social situation and appropriate behavior and language for the same. The occasional intrusion of secular, worldly language tends to have a shocking effect on most of their delicate, cultured ears. Thus, after my short expletive concerning the realities of my present odiferous situation...remember, I am hanging out of a truck engine, feet barely touching the ground, holding a fairly good sized snake by the tail...and being 'shat' upon....one of the women, who is still standing on the opposite side of the road, says.."Trudy. Remember where you are. Watch your language." <sigh>

To shorten the tale (so to speak), after much pulling, pushing, cajoling and grasping, the snake was removed dependantly (i.e. from below the well). The firefighter dude handed the snake to me. Poor thing was barely conscious (you try being pulled from the rear in a death grip, having the shit squeezed out of you, and then put in a strangle hold at the neck !). I took it about 1/4 mile into a nearby wooded area, fluffed a bit of pine straw at the base of a tree and saw that it was able to crawl away. ( ah-there is a bit of life valuing Zen in the least of us !)

After washing my hands, I could still smell the snake poo even though those around me said they couldn't (must have stuck the hairs in my nose or something ). The rest of the evening was, in comparison, like a walk in the park. Oh, except, before I had gone to help in this reptilian rescue, I had come across an unfortunate bushy-tailed victim of a hit and run. I had put a dead squirrel onto the back of my cart, intending to deposit it in the trash facility in the back of the maintanance area. After my public service to the campus in removing the unsightly. smooshed little beastie from the eyes of those with more delicate constitutions, I had forgotten about my poor erstwhile 'passenger'. For the remainder of the evening, the college kids, with whom I would talk or people I would ask concerning their business on campus, would be EXTREMELY polite, giving me strange if not quite timorous glances. I wondered what was causing this newly acquired, awe inspired respect until I went up to the office for a quick break and noticed the poor thing in the back carrier of my cart. I could just imagine..."Man ! You better be careful ! If you don't do right by this guard, she'll smack run over your head !"

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