Incubation - Poetry Challenge 11
The life within her
grows, swelling her belly. She
names it, strokes its form
and sings it epic tales – of
pain and love, hope and
death, life and loss. It’s you or
me she tells it, but
this thing is killing her. Sure
as blood spills wet and
cancer creeps, this hanger-on
will have her keening
to the floor, bludgeoned by grief,
plumbing the darkness for air.
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| hi Rosie.. rereading this potent work. |
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Well, who ever knew a 'but' could be so controversial? Thank you, Cheryl, for your comment. I'm now doubting my 'but', but genuinely can't yet see the problem. Maybe when I reread it in a few weeks - it can take a while to get the distance.
Juan2 - you are very kind to take so much time over your critique. Thank you. And you've even defended my but (why does that sound so wrong?). But (there I go again) the poem is actually, as Cheryl guessed, about cancer - the images of pregnancy are deliberately false and then, as you yourself say, Juan, the positive switches to a violent negative part-way through the poem. However, it's meant to be a realisation that she has cancer and is not actually pregnant. Sorry that wasn't clearer. |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-03-20 12:27
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Hey Rosie, read this earlier and wanted to comment, but just didn't have time yet... Anywho, here goes:
I got hooked from the beginning of this poem. That first line draws us in, and then the rhythm is so easy to get lost into. You weave lines into each other with ease and it makes great use of the poem's format.
Noticed the 1st 9 lines end in 'weaker' words - that is conjunctions or softer pronouns instead of strong verbs or nouns (with the exception of line 3). A lot of times, this can be seen as weaker writing, but WOW do I like it here. Again, it has to do with the rhythm of the piece - each line flowing to the next like a mixbag of thoughts on this pregnancy. Great way to set it all up.
Read about 'but' and I think it works very well here. All the images before that 'but' are about positive thinking. A mother loving her future child, setting it up like a fairy-tale, preparing it for the 'epic' impact it is sure to have on the world. Then that 'but' changes everything. It's gonna be go-time soon and this kid is going to bring a helluva lotta anguish -- it's gonnna 'kill' her. And it's almost like the fun part of the pregnancy is over -- her child's been named, the room's been painted, and now her back's aching everyday, she's got crazy pain in her feet, and my-God she realizes just whats going to happen next and exactly what it will mean for her... Very effective, for me at least, as that's how I read it.
"...this hanger-on
will have her keening
to the floor, bludgeoned by grief,
plumbing the darkness for air." - oh geez do I like those lines. So powerful and dark, hits me hard at the ending so my brain's gotta sit back and really think about it. Great stuff.
happy writings. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-03-20 06:58
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I see your point about the but. Though I have to agree with grae - something doesn't work with it. It DOES need the but to get the point across as you say but it also DOES stint the flow as grae said. It's a tough one.
As for the poem itself, it really is brilliant. It s;ams like a fist as the reader goes from the image of a pregnant woman tenderly stroking her unborn baby through her belly (god I was constantly doing that) to the awful image of the cancer.
It's such a strong entry - I'm glad I'm not judging this month - it's HARD! |
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Thanks, Abitosunshine and Grae, for your comments!
Grae, I think it needs that 'but', as her words imply there's a choice, and the 'but' shows there isn't - it's not one or the other, as she'd like to kid herself, but just the 'thing' killing her. |
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