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Over Exposure
The early bubbling industry of the birds in the plum tree did not wake him, because he had not slept. He had not felt this bladder-irritating acidity since before his parents divorced – those hours of darkness and drum-roll voices announcing sudden door slams or clearly enunciated but unintelligible snatches of blame.
The sun fingered the pink curtains and immediately the bedroom burned. Steven kicked the sticky duvet and stood. His wife snuffled abruptly and turned away. He avoided the sight of her forehead, but remained between the bed and the window; his chest tilting towards the door and the garage, his feet undecided. His stomach yearned for the security of the bathroom and yet his head, as for months now, chattered aimlessly.
Later in the morning bailiffs would arrive with forms from the bank. His wife would be speechless and then cry. She would look at him with contempt. His daughters, too, would cry, though without understanding and simply as an instinctive ratcheting of his guilt. He thought of the plum tree and the swings underneath, and wondered where they would all sleep tonight.
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| I felt the tension and helplessness in this piece. I love that opening sentence, it's beautiful. This is a clever take and a good write. |
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| Thanks Tumothy for your careful critiques (I've read what you've put for others too). However this time round I'll hand on to nothing happening in the last para - it sums up the man's weak character, why he's in the mess he's in. Or that was the intention ... |
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The sun fingered the pink curtains and (immediately) the bedroom burned.
//that time stamp isnt needed.
its a powerful, commanding sentence without it.
using all those would constructions in the last para lets the wind out of the sails.
literally nothing happens in the last 5 sentences except
thoughts of trees
and
wondering where to sleep.
still.. i like the first 2 paras immensely. subject verb construction, vivid, potent word choice.
nice work.
T |
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| Thanks both of you and especiallly Rosie for your crits and checking - I'll tootle off and deal with them now! |
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| This is such a descriptive little story. I love how an entire picture of a man's decaying life is painted with such few words. I especially like "bladder-irritating acidity." It, and the following few lines, are extremely effective at portraying the strife produced by bickering parents. |
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