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Melted Lies
Night comes through
the days we knew
lost in tangled dark
we wander from the start
Shhh- don't make a sound
the truth might fly
then the lies
can't conceal the ties
that bind our eyes,
hold our tongues,
suppress our minds
Sit back
relax
everything's fine
hold up the paper mask
the illusion's fading fast
Rain- please pour,
crash onto this place
melt the painted smiles,
the plaster expressions
sweep away in rushing waters,
tears of relief mixed with the
pure waters of Truth
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| as always, I feel like you are a painter, dabbing words and mixtures from a minimal palette to savage effect. 'tangled dark', 'melt the painted smiles'". Mmmmm. |
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nice pace:
Shhh- don't make a sound: Rain- please pour. well placed.
smooth tempo w/ 1st/3rd parts and 2nd/4th parts paired
loved it |
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really great--the sounds and images are perfect.
I might change some punctuation though to make things clearer, like put a comma after pour on the first line of the last stanza. |
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| I think this poem is beautiful. I rarely say this, but I wouldn't change a thing! |
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Comment by: - 2008-03-17 14:23
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| Nice topic. A soul in pain; conceiling and admitting and want to be released from the burden it carries. The poem started very well, and I enjoyed it as it rhymed until the line with "....fading fast". Perhaps here the word "But" could be ommitted? |
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