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Fall to Pieces
I don't know how this started
It sucked me in so quick
Like a vacuum from the devil
Evil so twisted and sick
I stand in front of the mirror
Pulling my white hairs out
My demise, well it is all
That I ever think about
Every day I'm losing ground
Losing all hope as well
Soon I will be in the ground
My eternal prison cell
I stand in front of the mirror
Pulling my white hairs out
You build me up just to tear me down
And lock the door to keep me out
I fall to pieces when I'm all alone
So I fall to pieces all the time
Every day I feel myself getting old
I fall to pieces when I'm all alone
All alone
All alone
Wave goodbye, blow me a kiss from your sacred lips
Maybe then I'll be revived
Maybe I'll stay alive
Every day I'm losing ground
Losing all hope as well
I stand in front of the mirror pulling my white hairs out
I know the truth, there is no doubt
There is no hope left
I hope...I pray to God, I hope
But there's no hope left
I fall to pieces when I'm all alone
So I fall to pieces all the time
And I fall to pieces because I am alone
Silent screen star
Heart break
Love's child
No!!
I fall to pieces when I am alone
When I am alone
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| I like this...I think I get what you are trying to say....but I would take out the repetitions of "all alone" because I felt as though they brought me out of the rhythm of the poem rather than pulled me into it. Instead I would try to use visuals and elicit feelings in the reader that are representative of being "all alone"- the whole show, don't tell thing that they teach in fiction writing class. For instance, "the emptiness of the vase you left is a whole within my heart" describes a feeling that is close in category to being "all alone". "Hope falls within the emptiness of my heart." You've got a lot of repetition going in general throughout the poem- which works well when writing songs (this poem would make a great song), but is hard to pull off in poetry as sometimes it makes the reader feel as though the message is being pushed too hard. Good luck! I hope this was helpful...if you have any questions, feel free to email me. |
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