War Skies (Karjon 30/Not This Time)
An engine burst into flames.
"We just lost four!"
Captain Dango didn't answer his copilot. A spray of bullets ripped through the wing.
Dango shoved forward, sending the plane into a fifty degree dive, watching the altimeter until a thousand feet flew by. He leveled the B52 and aimed for Dover, but swastikas came into view.
Three fighters approached.
"We're done for, captain!"
"I've got a career waiting for me at home," hissed Dango through clinched teeth. "I'll be damned if those Nazi bastards are going to ruin it for me."
A wedge of Flying Tigers appeared, guaranteeing his words.
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-11 05:29
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| Oh okay, I gotcha now, Thomas. Thanks for ‘splaining! |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-10 22:43
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"Dango shoved forward, sending the plane into a fifty degree dive, watching the altimeter until a thousand feet flew by. He leveled the B52 and aimed for Dover, but swastikas came into view.
Three fighters approached."
This is what I'm suggesting:
"Dango shoves forward, sending the plane into a fifty degree dive, watching the altimeter until a thousand feet fly by. He levels the B52 and aims for Dover, but swastikas come into view.
Three fighters approach."
The crot in present tense makes me feel like I'm Dango, exhilirated beyond a simple matter of life and death. I'm in it for glory. I'm in it to take those Nazi bastards down! Yeah! It's a subtle change, but I think it creates a huge difference, and it keeps the reader guessing. Past tense verbs imply the resolution has already occured with the narrator usually intact. I want to worry about Dango. Will he [I] live or die? Will he bring the whole Luftwaffe (sp?) down? |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-10 15:18
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| Thanks for checking this out, Thomas! Seems pretty present tense to me, heh heh. |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-09 13:28
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Just as good as the other piece I just commented on, A Confederate Story, but some similar problems too. I love these short war crots of desolation leading to hope.
Biggest thing: I noticed that your other piece as well was in past tense. The emotion and force might be improved in the present tense, but it can be very uncomfortable to write in present if you are used to past, but with someone of your skill in saying much in very little I would definitely give it a try. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-03-31 05:23
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Hey, thank you, Stair Mag, that's quite a compliment, really appreciate it!
No Lee it starts with a cap A, heh heh. Thanks for reading and enlightening me on that issue! |
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