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so how are "YOU"
i've written on my hands and
slit my wrists again as both
never seem to be
en vogue
and as i hate society which means
automatic persons
i then hate any chance of
authenticy
which means i hate myself
&
i mean
me
with quotations
me
without words
me
in that nonartistic sense
me
in that nonscientific sense
me
with no dollars or sense
me
with no comment sense
me
with no original sense
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Comment by: PANDORA - 2008-05-22 10:43
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I do not want any BS about how long it took me to get here. I have surgery in a couple of days and I don’t feel good.
Happy Thoughts.
This caught my eye because I hate that stupid fucking question, “how are you.” I hate it so much in fact that I wrote a poem about it.
I agree that you need to clean this up.
I have said that before and think it is very important. While I am not one for rules, and do not follow any one set of rules for any of my writing, it still has to be formatted so that it is “reader friendly.”
“automatic persons
i then hate any chance of
authenticy”
maybe
“I don’t fit into normality
I, then, have not chance of authenticity”
I think this is what you mean to say. Maybe I have no clue what the hell I am talking about.
in that nonscientific sense= this seems out of place where it is. Maybe re-write it or take it out.
me
with no dollars or sense
me
with no comment sense
me
with no original sense
Maybe:
Me
with no material idols
me with no common sense
me with no original idea’s (or thought)
I hope this helps.
Do a spell check, clean it up a little and you have a great original piece.
:-] |
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| You have a very raw and straight style, which I commend. The only thing I'd say is watch your spelling and grammar. Not that it has to have a perfect form, that would more than likely ruin what you are trying to convey and I think what you are trying to convey is good. But it really will help you express your ideas better. And that's what this is all about isn't it? Expression of ideas. On the whole you have more talent than a lot of people I have read on here. |
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