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Not This Time, Wee Story # 30
“Mamma, Don’t send me to Granny’s place this holidays…not this time please”, Anita cried.
“Okay honey…what happened? Why won’t you? Tell me, I won’t say to another soul”, mother replied.
“Rhea told me last week, she’ll be going to her Grandma’s for her vacations”, said Anita.
“I know, her mother told me. So must you. It’ll be a good change”, Mother replied.
“I went to Rhea’s garden to pick flowers for your Krishna this morning. Heard a muffled cry. Hid me behind the bushes. Saw her father strangling her mother.”
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I quite like the parallel the child seems to be making - going to grand parents = one parent murdering the other. Children's mind do work in that way.
Thanks for the read. |
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Karen,
Thanks a ton for your appreciation.It's a fillip to my creative juices.
Yes, The tags are to be taken care of and regarding the "Hid me behind the bushes" expression, well it was meant to be that way as a very young frightened child was narrating a gory incident to her mother. I cannot expect her to be speaking a comprehensible lingo.
You bet, I'm loving this place and I intend to stick around. :)
Regards,
June. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-03-26 07:44
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Hello June
Welcome to the Wee Challenges - hope you'll stick with us.
It's a good story - the child's innocence shattered, her fears coming to the fore - good stuff.
A couple of picky points:
The commas in your sections of speech should be inside the quotation marks.
I'm another one who has a dislike for speech tags, but yes, used to use them until it was pointed out to me - it's worth working on and makes all the difference to the pace of a story and really bringing it to life.
'Hid me behind the bushes' - is a little awkward. Either, 'Hid behind the bushes' or 'Hid myself behind the bushes' would be more natural.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Tragi-comedy, yes, a very thin line between the two.
Thanks Leslie, you could identify that.
Sanju, thanks.
Yes. There's so much hideousness lurking in every nook and corner that it's sometimes difficult to protect the innocence.
Thanks Anna. |
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| Hi June, such a sweet story and then, boom, vicious twist. That's great! I guess that’s how it is so often, too, these things do come out of nowhere. Good job |
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