Demons (The Wrong Way Wee Story #30)
Galloping hooves hammered the ground and Sachi shouted,“Wait!”
Two men reined their horses. “Look, Chet, a little Chinaman girl. The fuck you want.”
“To save your lives. Untie those children or you'll be dead soon.”
He barked. “This is legal business in Mexico; fifty dollars for squaws, twenty-five for the little cock-suckers.” He pulled the leather thong on his holster.
Sachi raised her hand.
Quiet swishes rose above the sound of wind-stirred brush. Arrows jutted from the man's neck.
Chet lifted his hands, and froze, “Where are they?”
“Everywhere.”
“Take 'em. Take the little red demons.”
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Comment by: LadyMoon Online- 2008-03-31 05:52
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:)
What a great morning to be reading your stories.
After reading some of the other comments, I have to say, that I actually was able to follow this story through, without very little confusion.
I liked how Sachi was a woman, putting a stop to the sex trade.
I actually liked the use of the word, "Chinaman," because it highlights the ignorance and vulgarity of the demons.
A very racy piece. Not for the sensitive, that's for sure.
Oh, and glad you changed laughter to barked.
*thumbs up* |
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-03-26 18:33
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| For 100 words, you have created a great descriptive little story. Draws you in from the start. Nice work on this one! |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-26 08:32
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Another very visual piece, Tim - and a good story, which, obviously, I'm going to pick at:
' a little Chinaman girl.' - I wasn't sure about that - maybe just China girl - but no one else seems to have had a problem with it, so feel free to ignore me.
“To save both your lives. Untie those children or you'll be dead soon.” - yeah, you've said 'to save both your lives' so 'or you'll be dead soon' isn't necessary.
'Laughter. “This is legal ..." - 'Laughter' is too much like stage direction. What was the laughter like? Let me hear it.
Quiet swishes rose above the sound of wind stirred brush. - I'd hyphenate 'wind-stirred'.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Tim,
If I were to adjust anything, I might add some filler words to avoid a stilted "trying to make the word count" feel.
Example:
Laughter. [could be "They snorted laughter"]
word count can be bought by reducing this sentence:
"Untie those children or you'll be dead soon" [drop everything after "children"] |
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| fascinating...certainly packs a lot into 100 words as you are very good at. Have a feeling they won't be so successful at "takin the little red demons!" |
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