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Not This Time (wee #30)
“She’s mine. My beautiful child. Mine.”
“Yes, absolutely beautiful. What’s her name?”
Atop the bridge, the homeless woman's eyes widened. “Sarah. No, Rose. Her name is Rose.” She clutched Rose closer to her breast.
The man drew a peppermint from his pocket. “And may I give little Rose a treat?”
The woman's lips tightened. “She likes chocolate.”
“Well… this tastes like chocolate.”
While the woman reached for the candy, the man snatched his daughter. Reunited and teary-eyed, he scurried her away.
The woman spat her peppermint over the rail and into the river below. “That wasn’t chocolate.”
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Sorry I got here too late to be of any critical use - it's all been done. Though I would personally have used 'hastened' instead of 'scurried', but that's just me - 'scurried' is fine as you have it. You have conveyed the scene well and the dialogue is believable and apt - big bonuses for that. No negatives from me for this - just glad the homeless lady never called the child 'my precious'.
Grae:) |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-03-27 16:15
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Thanks for the reads + comments. Finally adjusted that sentence (much thanks, Lee - seems simple enough now, ha).
happy writings. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-03-26 08:56
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This is great, John - that last line is a killer, gives great insight into thehomeless woman's state of mind.
Yeah - that 'bridge' line defintely has to be fixed - it's very awkward at the moment. Lee's suggestion is probably the simplest fix.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Stratus - 2008-03-25 19:37
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Quick read. Enough well-chosen details to paint the picture. Liked how it was grounded on the bridge, like the peppermints. The discords of the woman's statements and answers really worked here, quickly characterizing her.
As always, nice work. |
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Good story. The bridge presents danger to the little girl and the slow reveal as to whose child it is was well done.
One way to get around the problem with that sentence is to recast it as: “On the bridge, the homeless woman’s eyes widened.” Saves two words, also (though you're under already).
‘While the woman…” is not as immediate as “As the woman…”
Instead of ‘scurried’, I would go for ‘hurried’.
Thanks for the read. |
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