Unspoken fate....
The
time you were gone,
another me was born.
The
time you come back to me
another you was born...
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| It adds a specificity to the two temporal events. It adds a layer of irony, too - with the uniqueness of the definite article ('the') undercut by the repetition. It has to stay. I really like it. It bridges that very tricky personal / universal divide. It will stay with me. |
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hmmmm...interesting, odd. I like it.
I'd change the line breaks a bit, but that is all. I'm not so sure about giving "the" its own line, twice, even once. Why does it deserve one? How does that add to the poem? |
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