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What? (retrospectively)
What’s in the words, best said,
when anguish and emotion spent?
For how the soul was kept,
intimate and binding, the bed.
What’s in a life, best lived,
when anger and loathing spent?
For how the soul was kept,
loved and cherished, forgive.
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(click click tick tick tick...Blow out the candle)
'loved and cherished, forgive.'
(Beautiful) |
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| nice. this flows really easily and effortlessly. good job. |
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Sorry it took so long for me to read this.
It sounds like that churchy advice my very pious mother gives me. Yet it is not like scripture and the advice is intertwined with verbal allusion as opposed to dorect chastising. It makes me want to forgive. So I forgive the mechanic for overcharging me. Keep me post RJAYE. I like to hear from you
The other RJA |
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It is a good piece that appeals to many people for different reasons.
On the one hand, it can be a reflection of a relationship but it can be about life in general. Either way, it is touching and gets the mind racing. Well done! |
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Comment by: PANDORA - 2008-04-05 16:07
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The first stanza reads
like a relationship to me.
Sometimes, no matter
what we say or what we do,
there is just no more to give.
Some people are “takers” and will
drain a person until they are
bone dry.
The only suggestion is that
you take “bed” out of the stanza.
I think that ending the stanza on
“intimate and binding”
makes the statement much stronger
Forgiveness, anger and loathing.
Letting go and forgiving is one of the most, if not the
hardest things to do. As for anger and loathing,
they can be the very fuel that drives us
our whole lives.
I think this has depth
that at fist glance may not be noticed.
Again, I do not feel that the last word in the second stanza really fits and makes the ride a little bumpy.
I think “forgive” DOES fit in, just not at
that juncture. Maybe placing it
at another point in the stanza would work better.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
this poem works perfectly
If you were/are trying to be ironic.
I like the different possibilities
that this poem evoked from me.
It is a “thinker” and I enjoy
these kinds of poems as much
as I like a straightforward read.
Needs a little polishing but
What doesn’t?
Good read and write.
Sheri** |
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