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Killing your pain
Cold white curtains flutter
As bony fingers strum silver strings
Shadowy lives silently mutter
Then fly away on black lined wings
Dizzy angels dance and dream
Then gaze into my eyes
Mephisto bats scowl and scream
Terrorized as their life light dies
Please, take this small red pill
To sweetly seep into your veins
First sadness - a vicariously kill;
Then painful secrets: your private pain
I stretch my wrinkled and time-worn hands
To thrust in tender warm wet airs
Gaining strength to roam strange new lands
For kindness helps you heal - the good samaritan shares.
Dry arthitic days will finally turn
To warm and colourful dreams
While malicious thoughts burst and burn
Dying from gentle flowing streams: a scream.
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wow... that opening stanza! It is quite the attention grabber.
I feel as though this is a visit from the Grim Reaper himself...so dark and mysterious. I agree with readers before me, that this has wonderful imagery-you paint a vivid picture. |
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| outstanging imagrey |
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| Once again an extremely good piece from you. Your imagery is outstanding, I love the idea of "Dizzy Angels" and "Silver Strings". Also nice contrast in the first stanza with the "cold white curtains" and "black lined wings". I like the feelings this poem gives me, It makes me feel like I remember things that never happened. |
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Comment by: danae - 2008-04-08 10:29
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LisaB:
once again, this site's purpose helps again. I reworked the last part, as it was a weak ending...I hope this one is better. |
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Comment by: lisaB - 2008-04-08 08:15
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| The opening offers just the right imagery to capture the reader. There are a few words that break the flow of the poem, however. "Then" can be replaced with something more effective. "Soon" in the last stanza can be left out, I think. Also, the line "Then all sadness it will kill" is a bit archaic and distracts from the modern tones. I can really see this blossoming into a distinct, catching piece. |
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