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Hell 4/1/08
Starving within my soul,
Unrealized dreams that still haunt.
Loneliness that cuts my heart so deeply,
Of the things I need and want.
A family a job not much to ask,
Things a normal man needs.
But for me a race that I’ve lost,
No matter how many good deeds.
Hey who am I to have such dreams,
Who am I to have the right you ask.
I’ve met each challenge thrown at me,
Faced and done every task.
Now empty here I sit alone,
Trapped within this broken shell.
Some may think that I’m alright,
But my life is not life but a hell…
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Starving my soul,
Unrealized dreams still haunt.
Loneliness cuts my heart,
scoring it with things I need and want.
A family, a job--not much to ask,
normal and quiet hopes.
But no matter how many good deeds I do
I can't get my, can't get
my pursuit of happiness. My god
who am I to have dreams and
who am I to have the right?
I’ve met each challenge,
faced and erased each task,
so don't I deserve?
I am empty in my alone,
in my broken shell,
my good intentions
still led me to . . .
*shrug* I'm not really sure how this edit relates to your poem. I mostly just wanted to show you a different version here; it has a very altered feel and emotion, so feel free to ignore what you would.
My only really strong comment is to cut the references to Hell. Obviously they're appropriate, but the whole concept is so incredibly overdone by now. Not that it's bad, or that it's *completely* impossible to redeem, but it feels unecessary. You have a lot of strong, sincere emotion here, and I feel as if you're doing it a disservice by leaning on such obvious imagery. Show us more about how it's Hell, but let us draw our own conclusions as to where you are. |
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