For Dante, My Love - Alien challenge 13
For Dante, my love, the demons won't fall.
I fought for your life, yet over mine cast a pall.
The devil was naught, as we fought side by side.
But beware of my faults, not the least of which, pride.
Then I fell to my knees, took your pain, the wound fatal.
So the devil may cry, yet to you I still call.
And soft in my heart, a dark love song for all,
I turned up my head to sing before I died,
for Dante, my love.
My mind recalled struggle, what fury, what gall,
as we fought side by side in the devil's own hall.
Then he struck me head on, I fell without guide.
"Don't stop," I called out, "keep going, don't hide."
Now I lay dying, by Heaven's light held enthralled,
for Dante, my love.
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Comment by: alien - 2008-04-11 02:12
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Ok.
I'm not too worried about the metre, tbh :)
You've repeated the words fought side by side, though, and that worries me because in a short form like this, you can't afford to repeat like that.
Also, in line 14, 'held enthralled' - I don't think you need the word held because by saying enthralled, you're implying the held so both words aren't necessary.
I still like this piece, though :) |
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Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-04-09 11:00
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| Thank you. I had no idea what anapaests were (I looked them up) and you're right. I don't know if I can change the meter of this poem and keep the sentiment the same. I think I fixed line 12 - maybe it needs a ; instead of a , but I think the rhythm is better. As for line 14, I'm still thinking about it. I'm glad you liked it anyway. Thanks. |
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I really can identify with the images you produce in this poem about fighting for other people and setting yourself up for the mortal blow. Oh, what we do for love...
This is sincerely one of my favorite types of written expression and you do it very well. |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-04-08 08:39
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Though this is written ibn kind of stylised anapaests, rather than iambs, I really liek the poem. The rhyme scheme and refrain are carefully crafted. I'm not too keen, as you'll know if you've read other comments of mine, on contractions (o'er, 'fore &c). They just bug me.
The rhythm trips up a little at line 12. I wonder if there's some other way you could express the sentiments of line 14 - not sure that the 'in a ball' thing is working too well.
Apart from that, the subject of this really appeals to my preferences. I relish this sort of poem :D
Nice work. |
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