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Wee Challenge 31
Brad awoke in the cold darkness, how long had it been since he passed out this time ? The hiss of the piped air blowing across his face and circulating the stench of his fear and bowels. He screwed his eyes up tight and opened them again. Still no difference, he was trapped in total darkness.
Stiff, he moved his body, his arms and head immediately hitting the walls of the box. His heart sank, no longer feeling the rising panic of the first day. Time had no meaning now, would the locks on the lid be unlocked ? Would it matter if they had ? He was barely strong enough to push against the weight of the water above. Shivering he lay awaiting the inevitable pondering his macabre choice.
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| Damn i have failed here. Brad has been trapped against his will and left to die. He has put underwater with timed bolts on the lid and an air supply to prevent suffocation. Thus as he grows weaker he is faced with this choice, lie and wait to starve to death, or use your last effort to push off the lid and drown trying to escape. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-21 12:23
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Hi Chris
Sorry for taking so long to get here.
Hmm - so it was his choice to be put in a box under water, but I'm guessing it wasn't a trick, as has been suggested. I'm thinking a fairly elaborate cry for help that has gone horribly wrong.
The punctuation is off here an there - Valerie has pointed out everything I would have on that score and has made excellent suggestions for editing the punctuation.
All that aside, I like this one - I especially like that feeling of hoplessness and knowing it's his own fault at the end.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2008-04-16 18:58
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I haven’t read other comments, so forgive me if I’m repeating what’s already been said.
“Brad awoke in the cold darkness, how long had it been since he passed out this time ? The hiss of the piped air blowing across his face and circulating the stench of his fear and bowels. He screwed his eyes up tight and opened them again. Still no difference, he was trapped in total darkness.”
1st sentence, punctuation – Consider:
Brad awoke in the darkness. How long had it been since he passed out this time?
2nd sentence – a fragment, consider:
The hiss of the piped air blew across his face, circulating the stench of fear and feces
(I would eliminate the second “his”; also, “bowels” refers to the intestines, so maybe you might want to find another word for “stool.” I slipped in “feces” because it alliterates nicely with “fear.”
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”Stiff, he moved his body, his arms and head immediately hitting the walls of the box. His heart sank, no longer feeling the rising panic of the first day. Time had no meaning now, would the locks on the lid be unlocked ? Would it matter if they had ? He was barely strong enough to push against the weight of the water above. Shivering he lay awaiting the inevitable pondering his macabre choice.”
5th sentence – consider:
Stiff, he moved his body, arms and legs, etc, (rather than arms and head)
7th sentence – consider punctuation and a synonym for “lock.”
Time had no meaning now; would the (bolts) on the lid be unlocked, and would it matter if they were?
Last sentence – consider “waiting” rather than “awaiting.”
Shivering he lay waiting the inevitable pondering (of) his macabre choice.
This is a very cool story! It reminds me of a CSI episode. I hope I helped a little. I read it several times. That’s how good I thought it was. Is there a sequel? |
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| Okay people I smell ya. Clearly this issue has caused a bit of a stink (sorry could not resist) I was trying to be a bit poetic about the undoubted smell, but it seems have been a bit light handed in this matter; and so have given about as much emphasis to this as I feel i can without upsetting the balance. |
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| Sort of a "Buried Alive" theme. Makes the reader wonder if he has messed with the mob and this is his reward. Lots of ways to look at this story. I agree that the box should be a bit smelly by now ; think the "stench" would be from more than fear. |
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