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Buried - Wee #31
She peeled the potatoes and let the skins fall to the floor and mingle with the remnants of previous meals.
The laundry mountain teetered on the table top, poised to join the trash on the mud-smeared linoleum.
His snores echoed through the tiny house, his breath pungent enough to tinge the foetid air with an acrid taste she could never quite shift.
But nothing masked the stench of failure that seeped up through the floorboards, taunting her: the stress she'd been unable to endure; the chances she'd never taken, even if he'd let her.
All those children who had never been, yet always would be, under her feet.
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-06-01 15:08
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| Ghastly! I sense the lady has other disposal work ahead of her. The boy has got to go. The last line is remarkable. Good read. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-18 17:37
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Thanks, folks - and thanks for the suggestions, especially for that opening line - it has been bugging me. Much appreciated.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-17 07:46
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Damn...
Excellent.
What do I like... hmm... specifically: laundry mountain, stench of failure seeped up through the floorboards, yet always would be.
This piece is amazing... I was just talking to a friend about Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway and this is like a quick version of the male character being much older and still doing the same thing to women.
I only have one true critique. It is in the last line, and its one of the statements I said I liked: yet always would be. Would (could, should) implies a ... how do you say it... a lack of truth or true action.
All those children who had never been, yet always _will_ be, under her feet.
I think that improves the force of the last line. |
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-04-10 16:51
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| Wow. This is great, Karen. Really packs a punch, I love the descriptions. You have so many great lines, especially that last one. Ouch. |
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Comment by: sarra - 2008-04-08 11:54
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| This was a great take on 'buried'. I've seen a lot of death and the like, but never someone buried under life's crap. haha. I enjoyed this a lot. Gotta feel for the lady too; some of us know to a degree what she is going through. |
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"Wonderful World of Worders"
A collection of micro-fiction by 72 writers, from 27 countries, compiled by Jenni Doherty, published by Guildhall Press with support from the Arts Council of Northern Ireland.
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