Story Challenge #31 - Still Waters
She sits at the back of her cell, hidden in the shadows. Moonlight falls through the window, pooling on the floor by the door. She avoids the light. Only the red glow of her cigarette betrays her presence.
“And you say that she still won’t speak to anyone?” asks the doctor.
He peers into the darkness, seeing nothing. All he hears is the faint exhalation of smoke.
“Oh she speaks to the others, Dr Barnet, but she doesn’t really SAY anything”, replies the orderly. “She just passes the time of day”.
“Do you keep asking about the murders?”
“Yes. Travis even tried showing her the crime scene photos. She just asked what movie the stills were from. She’s got no recollection of it at all”, says the orderly, suppressing a shiver.
“Well, you know what they say, I suppose. Still waters run deep”.
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Guess she gets off on an insanity charge.
Interesting way you begin the story. I wasn't happy with the "still waters run deep" cliche. I think you need something more origional. |
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| Interesting story, Icy. I read the other comments, so will leave that alone. Didn't notice anything more. I liked the idea you have about the red glow of the cigaratte. |
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Hi Icy..
She sits at the back of her cell, hidden in the shadows. Moonlight falls through the window, pooling on the floor by the door. She avoids the light. Only the red glow of her cigarette betrays her presence.
//marvelous..
“And you say that she still won’t speak to anyone?” (asks the doctor.)
//wtf? haha.
the doctor just *asked a question* so why the heck are you telling us the guy just asked a question?
imagine it as a shot in a movie...doc asks a question, we see it and hear it. then a voice over narrator says
'the doctor asked.'
strange right?
its exactly the same deal here, no difference.
says the orderly,
//bit awkward. plus, like the tag above, it slips into 'telling' mode. vs showing.
you really know how to show, you might stick with that.
solid story, the nits are ultra tiny.
thanks,
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-05 13:42
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Hi Icy
Yes, I liked this one a lot - but if you take the advice on speech tags and that last sentence, it will be much stronger.
Also, commas a full stops should be placed inside the quotation marks in dialogue.
Great Wee Story - one that will stick with me, I'm sure.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Shivery indeed. A good write, Icy. I do agree with Grae that the last line jarred it. A bit obvious, maybe, but still a good read. |
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