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Buried Hope
Schuck, schuck, schuck. The shovel dove over and over into the dark loam. Back aching, arms numb from the repetition, the rhythm continued. Athan couldn’t stop now. The holes were nearly finished.
A brief glance assured him that the little ones had not been moved from their place. He would place each precious seed in its berth. Soon they would be reborn.
With one last turning of the rich soil, the first half of his job was done. Gingerly, he picked up each body, so inert and frail, and set them into their separate graves.
Schuck, schuck, schuck. Athan covered each one. The rhythm was soothing now. The aches were a seraphic song of hope.
Mary, Joseph and Thomas. They could be with their mother now. Dear Melissa, I’m sending our children to you. So that we can all be together again. All that is left is me.
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| I found this darkly enjoyable. The repetition of "Schuck, schuck, schuck" does a good job of portraying the digging. I particularly enjoyed "The shovel dove over and over into the dark loam." There is something to the previous comment about showing vs. telling. However, I would say it's just a question of balance. I don't think every sentence has to have a strong action verb. This piece is strong as it is. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-11 13:51
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Hi Kirsten
It took me ages to get past the second sentence - this is not your fault, there's nothing wrong with the second sentence, it's perfectly correct - but 'dove' sets my teeth on edge. It's that US English v British English thing again - we would say 'dived'. Sorry - you didn't really need to know any of that.
Yeah, horrible story - I guessed where it was going, but that didn't stop me shivering at the end.
Not keen on the pov change with 'Dear Melissa', but that's just my opinion.
Other than that, it's a good one - thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Very sad piece indeed. Kept me going. I do like Arley's suggestion for the sound of a shovel in soil. The last paragraph sounds like he's thinking aloud or speaking aloud and could use quotes for dialogue. Just my observation. Janet |
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hiya Kirsten..
theres a lot of tell
v
show
in here.
The shovel dove over and over into the dark loam.
//that might be the only 'show' sentence in the entire story. notice its subject verb construction which creates action in real time *and* vivid moving pictures.
like a movie.
one might add more sentences built that way to this story.
show vs tell is a basic basic fundamental of writing. im certain you know that already.
look over this and pull the verbs from it and look at em.. writing *is* verbs. there arent many in here.
Athan covered each one.
//theres another 'show' sentence, thats good.
i urge you to read Karls entry in this contest, or any of his stuff for that matter. and of course the mighty Karens, to see how action is expressed in real time with subject verb construction.
its just called *writing* though.
im afraid the difference between show v tell hasnt clicked for you yet.
The shovel dove over and over into the dark loam.
//this is a marvelous marvelous sentence, i love it.
thanks,
T |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-07 13:41
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| A dandy morbid tale for sure, Kirsten! I agree with Robert on the shoveling sound, SCHUCK doesn't sound right. Shunk, maybe? |
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