CHARACTERS:
Paul – twenty seven years old, sales manager, Nicko's roommate
Nicko – twenty seven years old, jobless for two months, Paul's roommate
Sheila – twenty five years old, waitress in a diner, Paul's girlfriend


PLACE: somewhere in an urban place/city in USA


SETTING: The stage is of a fully furnished contemporary studio-type apartment setting. The whole place is messy: there are unwashed dishes, dirty laundry, disorganized piles of magazines, ruined arrangements of furnishings, etc.


TIME: Present


(A toilet flush and a humming voice from the comfort room are heard. Nicko comes out, humming and wiping his hands on his boxer shorts. He jumps at the sofa and reads a magazine.)

NICKO
(turning the pages of the magazine)
Hello, mujeres. Yeah, I like that on you. Show me more.
(Noise by the door is heard, someone is opening it with a key. Paul comes in hurriedly, Nicko turns his head.)
Oy, you’re home!

PAUL
(loosening his necktie, and buttons, walks toward bedroom)
Yes, I’m home. Stand up. We’re cleaning the place.

NICKO
Come here, dude. You have to read this article here about speaking with your eyes on a date.

PAUL
(throws his briefcase onto his bed, opens the closet, changes from leather shoes to slippers)
I’ll read it later. We have to clean the apartment now.

NICKO
It says here that you should never stare at your date as if you already have your bed made for sex after dinner.

PAUL
(walks toward the kitchen, rolls up his sleeves, wipes the counter tops with a rag)
And I say stand up and help me clean. C’mon, let’s start with the kitchen.

NICKO
(walks toward the sink, washes the dishes)
All right, all right, I’ll move my ass. What’s up, anyway?

PAUL
Sheila.

NICKO
Oh, Señorita Garcia. She’s coming over again, huh? Is she gonna cook dinner? I’m starving.

PAUL
Yeah, for us, Sheila and me.

(Nicko stops washing dishes)

PAUL
Fine, I’ll ask her to cook something for you, too.

NICKO
All right, that’s what I like about you, man.

PAUL
Yeah, whatever. She’s going to arrive in ten minutes, so we better move fast.

NICKO
What’s up, anyway?

PAUL
Four months.

NICKO
Whoa. That long? Are you serious?

PAUL
I know. I can’t believe it, either.

NICKO
Cool. So it’s been a while, huh?

PAUL
Yeah, and we’re really enjoying it.

NICKO
And you’re a great ball of cheese.

PAUL
(wipes the dining table)
None of us knew we would last this long. Our past relationships were all short-lived. I guess I got lucky.

NICKO
I bet you did. But why the hell are you going to celebrate four months?

PAUL
I know, it’s kinda weird how she insisted that. I mean, it's not even close to a year. And besides, she could have picked a hotel or a restaurant. After all, I said I would pay for everything. I even bought her a coat and a pair of pearl earrings so that we can go to a fancy place to celebrate.

NICKO
Why? Don’t you wanna celebrate here in our cozy apartment?
(breaks a plate)
Oh, shit. Sorry, Paul.

PAUL
(goes to Nicko)
What the—? Is that the plate that I gave you last year for your birthday? That’s an expensive Spanish plate, and you just broke it?

NICKO
Sorry, it slipped.

PAUL
I’m not gonna buy you another one, Nicko.

NICKO
But it was gravity’s fault.
(Paul looks at him angrily)
I mean, my fault. Anyway, I think Sheila’s idea to celebrate here is quite nice. Maybe she’s trying to give you a hint that she’s ready to settle down with you.

PAUL
(returns to the dining table)
Hey, let’s not go there yet, okay? I’m only twenty seven.

NICKO
Dude, twenty seven is like being thirty seven. At our age, we’re supposed to be thinking about these things now. We should already have in mind what we want for our future.

PAUL
(washes rag at the sink)
But I don’t want to take things too quickly. I’m not ready for a big commitment yet. Let’s just hope Sheila knows what she wants.

NICKO
Why, do you?

PAUL
(aligns the table and chairs)
Yeah, of course.

NICKO
Really? And what’s that?

PAUL
Chicken. In lemon sauce.

NICKO
Dude, you’re being evasive.

PAUL
And you’re taking too much time doing those dishes.

NICKO
Okay, okay, if you don’t want to talk about it. So, is she really going to cook that lemon chicken?

PAUL
(moves to the living area)
Yep, but you only get the leftovers.

NICKO
Fine! I’ll make my own dinner. I’m gonna make arroz caldo and you won’t have any.

PAUL
Yeah, you do that.

NICKO
(dries his hands on his shorts, moves to the living area, accidentally disarranges the table and chairs, sits at the sofa)
Okay, fine, leftovers. Is she gonna use real lemons or some lemon flavor mix something?

PAUL
I don’t know. Maybe real ones. Move out!

NICKO
(helps clean the living area)
Dude, beware.

PAUL
Why?

NICKO
She’s going to be a housewife.

PAUL
What? Why do you say that?

NICKO
Look, man. If she cooks, and if she has lemons, then she’s a housewife in the making.

PAUL
What the hell?

NICKO
Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

PAUL
She just got a job at a diner. She won’t be just a housewife.

NICKO
She’s still a woman with lemons.

PAUL
You read too much magazines.

NICKO
You’re dating a lemon girl.

PAUL
Hey, can we just focus on cleaning up the mess you’ve made for being a bum for the past two months?

NICKO
Oh, so now you wanna talk about me, lemon boy?

PAUL
Yeah, let’s talk about how you got sacked for hitting on your boss.

NICKO
Hey, she was the seducer. I was only the seducee. Women come to me, okay? She knocked, I answered. And I wasn’t able to resist. She’s Spanish, too, just like me.

PAUL
(aligns the table and chairs)
Screw you.

NICKO
(sweeps the floor)
Yeah, she screwed me all right.

PAUL
Shut up. Can we just get this done? Sheila’s gonna be here anytime.

NICKO
Yeah, with a ring.

PAUL
What?

NICKO
She’s going to propose!

PAUL
(sits at the sofa)
Whatever.

NICKO
(sits beside Paul)
Be ready when she kneels later.

PAUL
What the hell? I’m not ready to marry yet. I’m not even prepared for a serious relationship.

NICKO
Not ready? Are you kidding me? Because buying her pearl earrings doesn’t prove that.

PAUL
But I do that to all my girlfriends. It doesn’t mean anything to me.

NICKO
Oh, really now? How about the coat? And the supposed all-expense-paid date? That’s gotta be something, man.

PAUL
Okay, fine. I do like her, I admit it. But I’m too busy as a manager. They’re going to promote me soon, I know it. Plus, this is the first time I’m actually having a relationship. It’s too soon for me.

NICKO
Dude, I know what’s happening here.

PAUL
What?

NICKO
Mid-life crisis.

PAUL
No way.

NICKO
Admit it.

PAUL
Shut up. I’m not even thirty yet.

NICKO
Yeah, but you’re afraid of your future like you’re forty.

PAUL
Aren’t you?

NICKO
Of course not.

PAUL
Yeah, and why is that?

NICKO
I’m a bum. I don’t need to think about the future yet.

PAUL
And what do you need, Mr. Gonzales?

NICKO
(stands up)
A piss in the baño.

PAUL
(goes to the bedroom)
You do that later. My bed’s a mess.

NICKO
(follows Paul, lies down at his bed)
You clean it, it’s your bed.

PAUL
Please? Come on, help me.

NICKO
(makes his bed)
Fine. On one condition. Breast part, smothered in sauce.

PAUL
Yeah, whatever. C’mon, help me here.

NICKO
Dude, you smell.

PAUL
(smells himself)
I do?

NICKO
Yeah, I smell the groom in you. I’m actually hearing some church bells—

PAUL
(throws pillow at Nicko)
Shut up.

NICKO
No, seriously, dude. You should take a shower.

PAUL
After cleaning.

NICKO
I’m gonna do this. You go ahead and clean yourself up.

PAUL
You sure? No more conditions?

NICKO
Just one more.

PAUL
What’s that?

NICKO
Pick me as your best man.

PAUL
(gets towel by the divider)
Whatever. Clean this up, okay?

NICKO
No problemo.

PAUL
Knock on the door if she gets here.

NICKO
Sure.

PAUL
(sighs, sits down on his bed)
Do you really think she wants to settle down? Could she really be that serious about me? I mean, I think she knows I’m not.

NICKO
(continues cleaning)
I don’t think so. Women naturally want security from their men, and she believes she’s got that from you. Look, man, you said yourself that you don’t want commitment yet. So don’t go on with it if you think your relationship’s getting too far.

PAUL
What do you mean?

NICKO
You know what I mean, dude.

PAUL
What, you want me to break up with her?

(Nicko looks at Paul. Then Paul looks down sadly, slowly goes to the comfort room with the towel. Nicko watches Paul with a grin. Seconds after, someone knocks on the door. Nicko goes to the door and opens it.)

NICKO
Hola. Como esta?

SHEILA
(wearing coat and pearl earrings, carrying a bag of groceries, places them on the dining table)
Hola! Wow, the place looks so clean. Donde esta Paul?

NICKO
(in whisper, approaches Sheila, gets her coat, places it on top of table)
He just got in the shower. I missed you, baby.

SHEILA
I missed you, too.

NICKO
(grabs Sheila’s by her back)
Tenemos diez minutos.

SHEILA
Are you sure?

NICKO
Yeah.

(Nicko leans Sheila on the kitchen counter and she sits. They kiss passionately. Sheila tries to take Nicko’s shirt off. Then, Paul comes out of the comfort room, half-naked and dripping wet.)

PAUL
I forgot my –

(Paul sees the two. Sheila and Nicko look at Paul surprised. Lights off.)


* END *

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