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Love
Unbelievably I stand here again…
Waiting for him to accept my offer…
On a greatly beautiful silver platter,
I offered my heart.
He stares at it,
Examining and trying to understand.
Before him was my life,
My soul lay there wrapped in ruby red,
Waiting and growing cold.
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I value your subtle use of verb tenses:
In the first stanza, I considered the two unusual usages of adverbial expressions: "unbelievably" and "greatly." The slight dissonance with how the words are typically used keyed me in to their importance to the poem. With the suffix, they really emphasize the sense of continuous action in the poem, of going back time and time again. I think that you are right; such repreated effort is love.
I also appreciate the one verb in past tense in the second stanze: "wrapped." By juxtaposition, this highlights the actions of the male and the narrator as in-time. |
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On a greatly beautiful silver platter,
I offered my heart.
My soul lay there wrapped in ruby red,
Waiting and growing cold.
I like those lines. They are the strength your poem can grow on. |
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| Good imagery. LIke one in a meat shop, contemplating whether to buy the lump of meat at the offered price, or to move to the next shop. |
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| NIce embodiment of the angst of anticipation. The luscious ambiguities of limbo seasoned with unmet expectations. Good Stuff!!! |
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Comment by: DavidHe - 2008-04-09 21:39
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| I like this poem very much, especially "On a greatly beautiful silver platter,I offered my heart." For love is pure, from your heart. Well done! Carry on! |
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