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Buried (2ndDraft)
Buried 04.14.08 #1
I never bought dress clothes, so I have my work clothes on instead. The khakis do not look worn, and neither does the button up shirt.
I don't cry when they put him in the plot his business bought him, covered in a box and a flag. His son does. The hair in his face is damp with snot and salt, and the boy can scarcely speak when he tries to say goodbye.
He had terrible headaches, his son told me the day before, the hospital says he died from an aneurysm, but it was the coke that killed him.
The son's grandpa bought some fishing lures or Halloween novelties before the viewing. He put the rubber bugs into the box with him, on his chest and his shoulders before the coffin was closed.
He tells me, I'd be damned if my kid didn't have a bug on him somewhere.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-13 08:21
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Hi Thomas
I see you've edited down to the word count - well done.
It's a very intriguing wee story - I want to know who everyone is, how they are connected.
I found the last paragraph a bit confusing - didn't quite understand the 'bug' stuff, but no one else seems to have a problem with it, so it's probably just me being a bit dim.
Oh - Arley is right about that comma.
Thanks for the read - and welcome to the challenges. I hope you'll stick with us.
Cheers
Karen |
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Note to 12R- Boonrassi knows what he's talking about.
You've written an intriguing scene which makes me want to know more about your MC, the snotty nosed kid and the dead guy. I'd love to see it rewritten as a scene from a movie,happening in real time.
Welcome! I look forward to reading more stories from you. |
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| Welcome, Thomas. Sounds like military funeral of sorts--flag and all. Hope you stick with it. I'm relatively new, but feel like I'm learning to change my telling to showing. Nice take on the title; it's never too late to re-write, just for the challenge. After all is said and done, take it back into your word processor, and try to apply some of the things people have commented on. You begin to know who knows their stuff. Good luck to you and keep working at it. Janet |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-10 15:26
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Interesting piece here, Thomas! Got me wondering who the MC is and what his connection is to the deceased.
I don't cry when they put him in the plot his business bought covered in a box and an American flag. (Need a comma after BOUGHT)
I don't cry when they put him in the plot his business bought covered in a box and an American flag. His son does. The hair in his face is damp with snot and salt, and the boy can scarcely speak.
/He had terrible headaches. The hospital says he died from an aneurysm, but it was the coke that killed him.
(Need to clarify this because it comes off like the snotty nosed kid dies) |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-10 10:07
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Ugh... I could have sworn it was at 130 something... maybe i messed up when I checked the word count. Well... its too late to do a re-draft. It was just a quick freewrite I did during physics II anyway.
(Edit) Put the first draft up anyway and took some suggestions from Boonrassi. I also made some obvious corrections in places where I often FAIL during freewrites (words like 'just'). My wordcount in Open Office now says 148 words. |
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