Buried - Wee challenge 31
His finger nails ached. Pressure from collecting soil parted nail from skin enough to cause discomfort. He winced but continued digging, sinking his caked muddy hands deeper into the ground.
“’Gotta be here.” The words, vocalised, were drenched in exhaustion but coated with determination. He exhaled while letting his head and shoulders slump forward.
He had been digging, in the unrelenting rain, for over three hours, now.
He couldn’t swallow the bitter thought of not finding it. He didn’t care how long it would take he would stay and search every inch of the churchyard.
Droplets of water rolled off his brown locks, married with the leak from his ducts. He couldn’t remember when he started crying but now he couldn’t stop. Every muscle ached for him to stop. He sniffed, wiped an arm across his eyes to clear his vision, scanned the unearthed soil around him and continued digging.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-13 08:25
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Oooooh - what's he looking for? Hmmm - that'll keep me thinking.
Tim has given lots of good advice for improvemnet, but it's still an intriguing wee piece, Natalie.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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hi Natalie..
His finger nails ached.
//really good..
real time action expressed with simple subject verb construction.
Pressure from (collecting) soil (parted nail from skin enough to cause discomfort).
//just a hair awkward..
one might look at syns for 'collecting' and 'parted' for kicks. and maybe clogged and wedged.
He winced but continued digging, (penetrating) his caked(,) muddy hands deeper into the ground.
//penetrating isnt great there, yes, it could just be me.
did you look at syns?
burrow, gouge, mine, penetrate, perforate, pierce, pit, prick, punch, puncture, ream, riddle, sink, tunnel
//couple a nice ones.. gonna do 'thrust' for fun.
advance, assail, assault, attack, bear down, boost, buck, bulldoze, butt, chuck, chunk, clip, clout, crowd, cut, dig, drive, elbow*, embed, fire, force, heave, hump, impale, impel, interject, jab, jam, jostle, lob, lunge, nick, nudge, peg, pierce, pitch, plunge, poke, press, prod, propel, punch, push forward, put, railroad*, ram, run, shoulder, shove, sink, sling, smack, stab*, stick, toss, transfix, urge, wallop, whack, wham*, zing
He exhaled while letting his head and shoulders slump forward.
//cool..
He had been digging, in the unrelenting rain, for over three hours, now.
//prefer to see this expressed as action. or just chop it.
He couldn’t swallow the bitter thought of not finding it. He didn’t care how long it would take he would stay and search every inch of the churchyard.
Droplets of water rolled off his brown locks, married with the leak from his (ducts).
//bit like a science article there.
'married' is a nice choice.
also the sentence is all show, try to construct a few more like this one.
He couldn’t remember when he started crying but now he couldn’t stop. Every muscle ached for him to stop. He sniffed, wiped an arm across his eyes to clear his vision. Scanned the unearthed soil around him and continued digging.
//all 'tell vs show' im afraid.
Scanned the unearthed soil around him and continued digging.
//not a complete sentence.. it could be linked to the previous one *maybe*.
thanks,
T |
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| Cleverly left unsaid. There are only a few things I value that would be worth that agony. Good job. You used the word ACHED a couple of times. Migh want to consider a syn. for one of them. Janet |
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-04-10 15:45
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| Hehe, Sorry. I thought I'd leave it to the imagination. Thanks, Arley. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-10 15:40
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| Very good, Natalie! Teasing us by not telling is what the hell he's digging for but still an excellent read. |
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