This little play is about how Jesus and God helped Jehanne to win the Hundred Years' War. Of course, it's given a nice and funny modern slant so that we can all really FEEL where it is coming from.

Enjoy.

(Warning: Contains frequent swearing.)

---

One day, God and Jesus were playing in the clouds, just messing shit up like they do. Jesus started the Hundred Years War when he was bored one day, but he'd sort of melted most of the French soldiers and didn't really want to play with them anymore. After a few moments of intense snickering, they called Moses over and revealed their plan.

God: "Hey Moses. LOL. Come check this shit out."
Moses: "Huh?"
God: "See that chick down there?"
Jesus: "ROFL. This'll be awesome."
Moses: -Looks-

Jesus: -Whispers- "Jehanne....Oh Jooooanie? Psst. Over here."
Jehanne: "OMG. WTF?!"
Jesus: "Sort of, yeah. Anyway. I AM JESUS. And you, my pretty, are going to be treated to a really nice "steak" if you do what I say. Because everyone knows that you have some sort of relationship with meat."
Jehanne: "...kay."
Jesus: "Don't think too much. Just change into these clothes, and I'll do the rest." -Pulls out the Playstation controller and cycles through the character select screen. Clicks X on the appropriate era clothing.-

Jehanne: -Spins, and holds up standard.- "TO BATTLE!"

Jesus: -Button mashes on the controller.-
Moses: "HEY! I WANT A TURN!" -Wrestles controller away.-
Jesus: "WTF! Stop it! OH MY DAD! Look what you did! Now she's got a freakin arrow in her! SCREW YOU, MOSES!"
God: "Oh, stop whining, you pussy. I'm a mage. I'll just heal her." -Gets out another controller, and sends in Saint Catherine.- "WTF? Where are you? I can't find you!"
Jesus: "I'm over there by the wall."
God: "Which wall?!" -Flies around in circles, and crashes and burns in the field.- "Well fuck. I'm back at the last checkpoint. It'll be a little while before I catch up."

Jesus and Moses look at God in silence.

God: "What?! I've never played this game before. You kids and your damned electronics! Back in my day, all I had to play with was two tiny naked people!" -Throws the controller on the floor and huffs.-

At that point, Mary comes in and sighs, seeing the dorito crumbs all over the carpet, God throwing a hissy fit, and Jesus desperately trying to rescue Jehanne by creating a second account and carrying her out of the battlefield.

Mary: "Ugh. What have you done now? Leave it to me."
Jesus: "What? LOL. Since when did chicks play games?"
Moses: "I think it was sometime during the last 50 years or so."
Jesus: -Ponders.- "Oh yeah. I spent a lot of time with those Hippies. Man, they sure know how to use what we gave 'em." -Pats sandwich baggie in pocket.-

Mary: "Yes, you looked wonderful in those sandals. So cute!"
Jesus: "Moooom! Don't say that!" -Looks embarrassed.-
Moses: -Snickers.-
Jesus: "Here. You do it. I can't." -Hands the controller over to Mary.-

Mary subsequently shoves them off the couch, and plays for 12 days and nights. She orders pizza and has it delivered to the couch, while Jesus feeds it to her by hand so that she doesn't have to pause the game. Mary lives off cans of Red Bull, and becomes an insomniac, but finally gets Jehanne to the final level, which is Rouen.

Mary: "WOOOOOOOOOO! LEVEL 70 PALADIN! FUCK YOU, SATAN! I'VE BEATEN YOUR TAUREN!" -Zooms around the house, screaming in delight while Jesus goes back to playing.-

Moses: "WTF! DUDE LOOK OUT! Hit the English with a round of humor!"
Jesus: "I'm trying, I'm trying!" -Sticks tongue out the side of mouth, and tilts the controller and body with it.-

Jehanne (to the scribe at the trial): "And if you get it wrong again, I'll pull your ears!"
The English: "..."
Jehanne: "..."
Jesus, God & Moses: "..."

After a long silence, Jesus finally speaks up.

Jesus: "Dad...Where did you find her?" -Looks suspicious.-
God: "Walmart."
Moses: "LOL!! XD!!"
Jesus: -Looks even more embarrassed.-
God: "WHAT?! They had a two for one discount! Buy one saint, and get a free barbeque."
Jesus: "...You're so fucking cheap. You disgust me." -Goes back to playing the game.-

Moses twitches, leaping back and forth and calling out commands while Jesus continues to bash on the controller. Once again, Moses tries to wrestle it off him and selects the wrong response when being questioned by the English.

Jesus: "Look what you've done! She's on the freakin' pyre! DAD!"
God (from the kitchen): "WHAT?! What did I miss?! I can't find the marshmallows!"
Moses: "QUICK! Use an invulnerability cheat!"
Jesus: "Up, down, down, left, right, left, right, circle, select, START!" -Presses the triangle instead of the circle.-

Jesus, God, and Moses stare in silence as Jehanne is roasted alive.

Jesus: "..."
God: "..."
Moses: "..."
Jesus: "Well fuck that. Halo was better anyway."

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